


Actions Speak Louder than Words

by demondean111



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anger Management, Annabeth has no clue what the fuck is going on, But now I'm tagging everything, Emotional Roller Coaster, Happy Nico, Heavy Angst, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I used to be afraid of tagging, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jason will go down with this ship, M/M, Meddling, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Minor Jason Grace/Piper McLean, Nico is a flaming gay, Not Canon Compliant, Oblivious Nico, One-Sided Relationship, Oops, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Percy is a Dork, Pining Percy, Sad Percy Jackson, Selectively Mute Frisk, Self-Hatred, Slow Build, Sorry Not Sorry, Suicidal Thoughts, Tags May Change, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Unhappy Ending, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Younger Hazel, hazels like ten, there may be tissue boxes for the last few chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-08 06:10:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 37,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11075643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demondean111/pseuds/demondean111
Summary: Percy Jackson - aged 17, admitted 27/05/16 for 3rd suicide attempt, hasn’t spoken since arrival, won’t participate in much of anything, underweight, often tries to escape, needs constant watch, 4 instances in which he’s become violent, easily one of the worse patients in the ward, no background on family life. No recorded visits from either parentNico Di Angelo - aged 16, intern looking into psychiatry, was referenced by Mr. Bruner, Mr. Di Angelo, and Dr. Dyonisis. Started 30/05/17. Excellent with patients. Assigned Nurse: Dr. Annabeth ChaseAssigned Patient: Percy Jackson.





	1. Chapter One

_ “Mom?” I called, seeing her face in the crowds of the city. She turned to me, glared, then continued walking. I was some yards behind her, so I ran between people to catch up to her. The faster I ran, though, the farther away she seemed to get. Where on Earth was she going and why did she seem so angry at me?  _

_ “Mom! It’s me!” I yelled out again.  _

_ She didn’t even acknowledge me this time, just turning into a building. I followed her in quick enough to see the elevator doors close. We made eye contact, but her expression was blank. I ran to the stairwell and ran up the stairs, my feet somehow knowing to go to the top of the building.  _

_ She was at the top, sitting on a ledge and smiling at me. How did she know I’d be coming from here?  _

_ “Mom..?” _

_ “Hey, sweetie.” _

_ “Why did you...why did you ignore me back there?” I asked out of confusion. _

_ “I’m not sure Percy. Maybe it had to do with the time you tried to bleed out on the bathroom floor.” Her voice roared with anger I wasn’t aware she could have.  _

_ “I-” _

_ “Or maybe it was when you got yourself ran over by a car. That was pretty messed up of you, don’t you think?” _

_ I opened my mouth to talk to her, explain to her what state I had been in, but she was already screaming at me again.  _

_ “Why did you ignore me in those times, Percy? Why did you refuse to come to me for help? I could have helped you! But instead you ignored me and went around trying to kill yourself like some mad man!”  _

_ Now I was standing with the edge of the building behind me, and my mom in front of me.  _

_ “But I think what really topped it all off, what made me really realize you were insane, was when you jumped off of our fire escape. Do you remember that, Percy?” _

_ I felt a ball of anger, sadness, and confusion building up in my chest and I couldn’t make a sound. I never meant to hurt her. I wasn’t trying to hurt her. I just wanted to feel something, anything. I wanted to know I was still alive.  _

_ “But now, Percy, now I don’t want to see you.” _

_ The wind roared in my ears as she spoke, and my heart felt like it was exploding out of my chest.  _

_ “I don’t care about what happens to you, why else would I leave you in that Institute? You wanted to die so much and now you’re just dead to me.”  _

_ With her words like knives stabbing into every inch of my body, she pushed me and I fell backwards off the building.  _

A sharp pain shot up my side, followed by an abrupt  _ thud,  _ after I fell from my bed. I heard Jason stir from the other side of the room. My entire body was shaking from a mixture of fear and exhaustion, so I knew I had no hope of getting back in bed before Jason noticed I had fallen. So I gave up and laid on the cold ground. 

The walls around my bed were bare and empty, whereas Jason had a wall of pictures. Some were simply sport teams, but most were him with his multitude of friends. Sometimes I forgot why he was even here, he seemed to be happy most of the time. Then I remember the nights after he first was admitted and I’m thankful he has those people to keep his mind occupied. 

“What the hell are you doing on the floor, Jackson?” His groggy voice asked, pulling me from my thoughts. 

I look at him and shrug simply. I watch as he looks at the clock, squinting to try and see what it read. He eventually remembered to grab his glasses, which sat beside his bed on a wooden nightstand identical to mine. 

He started to sit up, stretching and yawning, but I couldn’t begin to move. The dream replayed in my head over and over again, more specifically my mom’s words. They echoed in my brain and the more I heard them, the more I believed them. 

I hadn’t moved, or even thought about moving, until the doorknob started to turn. 

Jason walked over to me and reached a hand out to help me up, which I took. 

I fell back into the routine I became so used to, making my bed to at least look like I had been productive when the nurse came in. 

“Good Morning, Annabeth.” Jason greeted from somewhere on the other side of the room. 

“Good morning, Jason. Nice to see you in a good mood this morning.” She smiled at him.

Annabeth was a pretty lady, most people in this ward knew this. She wasn’t much older than Jason and I, so she seemed to get along with us well. I gave her a weak smile, and she smiled back.

“How’d you sleep, Percy?” She asked in a soft voice. 

I was most calm around her because of her soft voice. Many other people in here yell and their voices are sharp. Her’s is smooth and soft, calming me before I even have the opportunity to lose control. 

I shrugged. 

_ Not well at all, but I guess you know that, don’t you? _ I thought to myself.

“Well, get dressed, you two. Breakfast is in 20 minutes, then therapy. Got it?” She asks and we both nod.

Annabeth leaves the room I find a plain orange shirt, which once fit but is now baggy, and a pair of old jeans. 

Not long after she first came to check on us, Annabeth lead us to the cafeteria. We walked through the doors and I was hit with a wall of noise. Children around me talked to each other in loud voices and I could see the noise even phased Jason. 

We, along with a handful of other teenagers, sat at a table to eat our breakfast. Even they could bare their life enough to make small-talk. I was silent, eating some of my food but mostly just moving it around my plate. 

“Percy?” Jason called, which got my attention and pulled me out of my head. 

“Are you feeling alright? You’ve barely touched your food…” 

I shrugged, looking back down at my food, then forced some into my mouth.

The noise, the movement, the amount of people, it all made me feel sick. I hadn’t quite gotten used to being around this many people again. I had been in isolation for acting out on some nurse who wouldn’t leave me alone. 

-

After breakfast, we went to therapy. I was put in a different group than Jason, since he still actually spoke. 

I was with a small group of kids, most 10 or younger, who also either couldn’t or wouldn’t talk. Instead of talking about our feelings like every other group, we wrote them down. 

I had been given a paper and a pencil, but I just looked at my paper blankly for a few minutes, before handing it back to the therapist that way. 

I didn’t want to think about my dreams. I didn’t want to think about my feelings, nor did I want anyone to know them. 

“Percy,” The therapist spoke, “You do understand we cannot help you unless you tell us what’s wrong. I know you’re confused too, but you need to try.”

He handed the paper back to me. Instead of trying to write what I was feeling, I drew on the paper. I drew what I remember seeing when I first tried to kill myself: my mom. I drew what I saw the second time: stars and a stream of lights. And I finally drew what I saw when I jumped from the fire escape. What did I see then? I saw nothing, so I just drew a thick line of black. Then I wrote a series of words that meant something to me at the time that I had thought of them, but I couldn’t remember why anymore. I handed the paper to him and he just sighed.

_ Sorry it’s not what you wanted. This isn’t what I wanted either. I’m not what my mom wanted. This life isn’t what most people wanted, but it’s what we have.  _

“This would make more sense if you would explain it, Percy.” He said, making it obvious that he was trying to get me to say something, anything. 

I just shrugged, then sat down. I zoned out on a specific painting on the wall; the ocean. My mom loved the ocean, my dad loved the ocean, I loved the ocean. We used to go any chance we could. I got lost in the memories of my life before I was here. 

-

“Percy?” Annabeth’s voice came from somewhere around me, but I hadn’t quite emerged from my thoughts. “Percy, come on, your tutor is waiting for you with Jason in your room.”

I look at her, take a second to comprehend what’s going on, then nod.

She sighed and I knew she knew today was a bad day. 

“Come on now, Percy. I also have a surprise for the both of you, but you need to get through your classes first.” 

She helped me up, then lead me back to my room. I sat down next to Jason and halfway listened to what we were being taught. Whenever I was asked to do something, I did to the best of my abilities, but I was mostly distant and disconnected from the world around me.

Jason would nudge me whenever it became too obvious that I wasn’t paying attention, which I was thankful for. 

The lessons seemed to drag on for hours longer than they actually did and when they finally ended, I don’t think I grasped anything I was supposed to learn. That happened most days, so it didn’t upset me. Jason thanked her as she left our room, then greeted Annabeth when she came in after. 

I was automatically thrown off. Annabeth wasn’t alone. There was a boy, obviously younger than Jason and me, with her. He had dark brown hair, wide, brown eyes, and olive skin. 

“Percy, Jason, this is Nico. He’s my summer intern and will be helping me out with you two a lot.”

Jason waved, giving one of his charismatic smiles, “What up, Nico?” 

A smile played on Nico’s face and the awkwardness I had been feeling melted away. Something about him, like with Annabeth I guess, was comforting and easy. 

Nico and Jason talked on his bed and Annabeth walked over to me. 

She sat next to me and sighed. “That isolation really messes you up, huh?” 

I nodded, looking down at my lap.

“Well, we need to work on your anger then, so you don’t have to go there again. And you should probably apologize to the nurse you shoved against the wall.”

I nodded again, a small sigh leaving my lips.

_ I always hurt people I don’t mean to. The only person I ever wanted to hurt was myself.  _

Annabeth and I sat in silence, but Jason continued to talk with Nico, who seemed pleasantly surprised with Jason’s company. 

After tutoring, we have a half hour where we can do what we want, under supervision, and then we go to lunch. 

I just sat, thinking to myself like I always did. I was studying the pictures on the walls when Nico and I accidentally made eye contact. It was held for an awkward moment before Jason got a hold of his attention again. 

He had very nice eyes.

-

Lunch was just like breakfast, except with sandwiches. Profound difference, I know. Nico was basically Annabeth’s shadow and they were in deep conversation, but still keeping an eye on Jason and me. 

“Percy, Jason, come on, you have more lessons you need to do.” Nico spoke.

It was odd hearing him say the things Annabeth usually said. 

_ Don’t get used to it, _ I told myself,  _ he’ll leave. Just like your dad did to you and mom and just like mom did to you. He’ll leave. So don’t get attached.  _

We stood up, took care of our plates, then followed Annabeth and Nico to our room, where our tutor was, again, waiting. 

“Oh boy, Percy,” Jason spoke, “Time for math.” 

I cracked a smile. Like almost everyone here does at some point, I forget about my worries.


	2. Chapter Two

The darkness in the room felt like it was consuming me, coming in closer and closer until suddenly I would disappear with it. As a desperate attempt to try to remind myself that it wouldn’t happen and that I was being irrational, I had cornered myself between two walls, knees brought up to my chest. The cool, smooth surface reminded me that I, too, was solid and wouldn’t disperse into thin air like the light did at 9:30 pm sharp.

I sat in that position for what felt like hours, just trying to control my breathing. I was so lost in the pattern of my breathing and the beat of my heart that I didn’t notice Jason was in the middle of his own nightmare until he was awake. My head lifted rapidly to see across the room, where he now sat in a similar position, except crying and screaming nonsense. It didn’t take long for the bedroom door to fly open, one of the night-shift nurses rushing to Jason’s bedside.

Jason looked insane in moments like these. His eyes were bloodshot, wide and looking in every direction. His hands were in his hair, pulling at the honey-blond strands that were long overdue for a cut. His body shook violently, almost as if he was having a seizure. But what always scared me most were the blood curdling screams, sounding worse that those you hear in horror movies.

“Jason,” the nurse spoke, and while she tried to sound soothing, her franticness still sounded clear, “Jason, can you hear me? You’re alright.”

She mainly repeated those words until the screaming stopped. He was still sobbing while desperately clinging to himself, eyes now locked with mine. I took it upon myself to breathe slower, more obviously, so Jason would hopefully catch on and breathe with me. He did.

It took about an hour for him to calm down enough to talk to the therapist, who had been patiently waiting the entire time, about his dream. Every time this happened I tried to zone out so I didn’t have to hear the gory details, but each time I could never manage to do so.

Jason usually had a strong, authoritative-like tone in his voice, but now it sounded so small and broken. If I wasn’t looking at him as he talked, I’m sure I wouldn’t have thought it was him.

“It...It was the same dream...as always. I...I was with Thalia. We...we were walking down the street, I can’t remember if we were going anywhere in particular...She told me...told me some joke and I was laughing, without a care in the world. Cars were speeding past us...and I didn’t mind..she didn’t mind, we were used to the cars. S-something caught my eye. I..I saw my mom’s car a-and I pointed it out to her. We… we started to chase after it, h-hoping would see us. A-and she saw me. I smiled at her, and she smiled back. Time slowed down as we waved at each other. T-then Thalia d-did something stupid...she-she ran out into the street. S-someone must have not been paying attention...she just barely missed being hit. A-and mom was so focused on her, screaming from the car when the car flew past her..t-that she didn’t see the s-semi-truck. H-her body flew out of the windshield...I-I _heard_ her head crack against the asphalt.. I s-saw the life leave her eyes. I w-watched as blood surrounded her...her dead body. T-then sirens...A-and Thalia just...just stood there, b-but when she turned to look at me...s-she was covered in blood, too.”

Each grueling detail made my already mostly empty stomach churn, my head felt like it was spinning and I felt like I was going to fall into the wall.

The therapist was talking to Jason, but the words sounded far away and like they were underwater. My heart was racing as I imagined myself in that situation. I saw Tyson instead of Thalia, my mom instead of his. And I knew he felt like it was all his fault, because my chest was tight with guilt and a lump formed in my throat.

More conversation between the nurse, Jason, and the therapist. More talk about feelings and how gruesome the event was. My head throbbed and I could hear my heart pounding in my ears.

I wanted to stop existing in that moment. I wanted to fade out of existence, like the light. I didn’t even realize what I was doing until the nurse’s hand was blocking my head from hitting the wall again.

The throbbing lessened to a dull ache and I realized I hadn’t been hearing my heartbeat. I had been hearing the pounding of my head against the wall.

“Percy?” She spoke, voice soft, but not smooth like Annabeth’s or warm like Nico’s.

“Come on now, move away from the wall. Let me check your head before you lie down.”

I was compliant, pushing my back off of the wall so I was now sat at the edge of the bed. I felt her hand press against the back of my head and she checked my eyes. I answered a few questions and then she helped me lie down, pulling the blanket over me.

Altogether, it probably took just under 3 hours for Jason and me to be told we could go back to sleep, even though I hadn’t been sleeping before that and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to sleep even if I wanted to.

Our door was left slightly ajar, for our safety and their sense of mind, I assume.

Jason laughed dejectedly before saying, “Fuck, Percy, we really are messed up, aren’t we?”

I made eye contact and nodded to agree with him.

_Yeah, we are. I’m not sure if I deserve to be fucked up, though. You-- you’ve been through things. Me? I just pity myself too much, I guess._

The rest of the night, we just laid in our beds, looking across at each other, both in awe of how messed up two people could be.

Time droned on for days, even though it had probably only been 4 or 5 hours. The door was pushed open and a tired-looking Nico walked under the doorway.

“Good, you two are awake. Annabeth and I heard about last night, so you guys are going to take it easy this morning. Breakfast in here, then the rest of the day as usual.

We both nodded, him to tired to speak and me because it was the only way I could respond.

My eyes felt sore from being awake for so long and I was sure the dark circles were dark enough for even Jason to see without his glasses.

Nico still had an aura of awkwardness to him and he was obviously debating whether or not to fill the silence with his talking.

“So, Percy,” The dark eyed boy started, “You don’t talk much at all, do you?”

I shook my head.

_Nope. I stopped talking when my mom stopped caring. And I don’t plan on talking unless she’s at my side to help me get better. Which won’t be happening, by the way. She hates me. Only visits me out of pity._

He sighed softly, “Well, I’ll get to know you in other ways, I guess. Figure if I’m going to be seeing you everyday for the summer, you should know me and I should know you. I’m here to be your friend.”

Those words shut me down immediately.

_No worker, no intern, no one here was ever talking to me unless they were simply doing their job. Even Annabeth, who I was fond of, I knew wouldn’t ever try to talk to me once I left the institute. This kid, Nico, he was no different._

Jason glanced at me, noticing my change in emotion, turned to Nico and said, “Thanks, the two of us could really use some healthy, not mentally unstable friends.”

He laughed and I cracked a smile, whereas Nico seemed confused as to how we could joke about that.

_Easy, we aren’t healthy or mentally stable. Things that shouldn’t be funny-like dangling off of the fire escape-_ a different part of my mind interrupted, _are funny to us. It’s in our nature._

Eventually, he just nodded and unsurely replied, “No problem, I guess.”

Nico pulled his arm up, which I noticed was thin and pale, and looked down at a shiny charcoal-colored watch. He always seemed to focused and tense and every movement, every word was well thought out and had meaning. His hair was dark brown, almost black but not exactly. Instead of being cold and bare like black was, there was still warmth and depth. It contrasted against his light skin, which too wasn’t stark, with undertones of warm and comforting colors. His eyes, which I had only looked at for a few moments, were deep and rich. They reminded me of hot chocolate with my dad in Central Park during the fall. Everything about him was so contradictory. He was methodical in his actions, yet anxious in the way he held himself. His hair, skin, and eyes were plain, black and white quite literally, but somehow still managed to hold such rich color. And the most confusing thing about him is that for a second he actually seemed genuine, but he was just like everyone else.

_You’re over-analyzing him. What are you?_ I thought to myself, wanting to forget I had even thought any of that up.

_A freak. You’re a mentally-unstable, stubborn, hyper-judgemental, suicidal freak. And the reason he isn’t genuine--the reason he is like everyone else in your life--is because he, like everyone else, is smart enough to see that._

“--Percy.”

Jason was standing in front of me, waving his hand in front of my face.

“C’mon, dude, Nico told you like 5 times now, we need to get ready. We’re still on a schedule, you know. It’s good for kids like us to have structure, remember.” Jason smiled a sideways smile that made me know he was just as done with the gruelingly familiar and repetitive routine as I was.

Nico was looking at us, I could feel his stare against my skin, and I hit Jason’s hand away lightly, as if to say, _“Move it, dude, I need to get up.”_

Jason laughed and moved over and I swung my legs over the side of the bed, then pushed myself off the bed. I too, was smiling, and when I looked at Nico, his confusion struck face made the entire situation much more humorous.

-

Breakfast, therapy; it was all the same and lessons were too, except the content was different. Even more so than usual, I couldn’t focus. A constant buzzing, that only progressively became louder since I tried to sleep last night, drowned everything else out. Jason seemed out of it as well, as far as I could tell, but he was better at hiding these kinds of things.

_I don’t think that’s a good thing. Well, what does it matter anyways? Someone’ll be here to pick up however many pieces we’ll fall into. That’s the point of being here, right?_

“--Percy Jackson!” Our tutor, who I’m almost certain was named Athena, exclaimed, making me jump both out of my thoughts and physically back.

I looked at her, feeling no remorse, or anything really, for being obvious about my lack of attention.

“Percy, would it be too much to ask if you actually paid attention. Unless you need to go see one of the therapists or you feel ill, you have no excuse for this sort of behavior. I think you’re aware of that, too, Percy.” She stated.

“No disrespect, ma’am--”

I looked back at the source of the voice, Nico, who was standing beside the door. His arms were crossed over his chest and his head seemed to be working in a million directions and it was surprisingly captivating.

“--but I don’t think it’s very productive of you to speak that way to Percy. Given what happened to the two of them this morning, it’s understandable that both of them would feel out of it. And quite frankly, the way you scolded him was far from constructive as to how Percy should handle the way he handles his emotions.” Nico reasoned, voice holding a tone of seriousness and authority it hadn’t had when he had spoke with Jason and I before.

Jason looked at me and I looked back at him.

_This guy...he can’t be too bad, right?_

Jason shrugged, raising his eyebrows slightly.

In the back of my head, though, I knew, _he’s doing his job. Nothing more, nothing less. Don’t take it personally. Avoid getting hurt later. Avoid hurting him later._

Still, no matter how hard I tried not to, I smiled at him and he smiled back.

"Right... I apologize, Percy, I do understand what you are going through and how difficult it must be." Athena spoke, but I could tell she wasn't genuine. I could tell she really did think that the buzzing in my head was as easy to get over and just  _thinking_   _positively_. Jason saw it too, but Nico-naive, innocent Nico- was satisfied with the apology.

To humor him, or her, I'm not sure which, I looked down at my booklet and started working on the lesson. Jason, who always seemed to just know what I was thinking, chuckled and shook his head.

We worked through the rest of our lessons that way, Athena glaring at me and Nico glaring at her. Jason shook his head and laughed whenever the tension became more noticeable and I nudged him whenever he did. 

This went on for half an hour, then Annabeth walked through the doors and everyone, even Athena, knew to suck up whatever childlike emotions we were stubbornly holding on to. 

Athena's condescending tone was magically gone, Nico's glare was let up, and Jason's snickering had silenced. 

"How's everything going in here? Jason, Percy, you two feeling alright? Nico, are they on task?" Annabeth glanced over at every one of us as she addressed everyone. She held her stare noticeably longer at Athena, both of them with the same piercing grey eyes.

"They're doing notably well, given Jason's dream and Percy's minor breakdown, but they both seem to be in other places mentally." Nico responded, giving Annabeth a short, but thorough report.

I looked at Jason, he nodded, then turned back to look at Annabeth.

"I have to disagree, Annabeth, I'm doing perfectly fine--" He smiled to prove his point, "and I don't blame Percy at all, the lesson is especially boring. Honestly, this morning... that dream... it was no big deal. I was just a bit spooked, that's all."

Jason lied for the both of us all the time. We were alike in that way, we didn't want anyone to have to worry about us other than ourselves.

_Or you're both just in denial of your insanity and unhealthy craving to jump in front of a car, out of a building. You both want to die and you're just waiting for them to let you out so you can die. But maybe die together, like real buddies._

"If you say so..." Annabeth sighed. "Sorry for interrupting, Athena, go on and finish up what you were teaching. But lunch is in an hour, which means your break is in 30 minutes." 

Athena nodded, then continued explaining the importance of knowing the differences between writing a compare and contrast essay and an argumentative essay and why both were "equally as important." I still couldn't care to concentrate on anything she was actually saying, it went in one ear and out the other.

Jason, on the other hand, put every ounce of effort in his body into focusing on the lesson. Annabeth and Nico had this proud-parent type look as they saw Jason working through whatever he was going through in his head. Progress. Getting better. I knew it would be a slow process for him, but at least he was actually going to get somewhere.

_Well, I can scrap the buddy-buddy suicide idea. Looks like it's down to just me, again. Like it always has been and like it always will be. Not even he's your friend, you dumb-ass. Who can be friends with someone they've never even had a real conversation with?_

All of these thoughts made me decide to do what I did best; I was going to distance myself from him. From everyone.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that I have a better idea of how this will be paced, I'd say expect anywhere from 10-20 chapters. After that, I'll go through and edit/refine what I think needs to be fixed. If you have any criticism, please comment! I want to hear what you have to say!

“Percy. Have you slept at all in the past three days?” Nico’s voice echoed in my head and, on top of the buzzing, I barely understood anything he said after that, if he said anything at all. I couldn’t care enough to try to hear him over the noise of my brain. 

His face was close to mine, closer than it had been before, but it was full of concern. His pale, thin hand waved in front of my eyes. I’m not sure I reacted to it in the slightest. I could feel both Annabeth’s and Jason’s stares digging into my skin. That also may have also been my nails, which were currently digging into my arm.

_ Idiot. Stupid. Useless. Psycho. Freak. _

Each word caused me to dig them in deeper. Dull pain shot up my arm and to my shoulder. For a moment, the buzzing hushed.

The pain stopped suddenly, a cool surface touching my hand. I looked down, learning it was Nico’s hand. He must have noticed what I was doing.

A stream of incoherent words left his mouth, then Annabeth replied. 

Nico’s head turned, looking back at her. I felt warmth down my arm and I was almost sure I was bleeding.

“Look--arm.” 

“--nurse--call--wait--therapist.”

“What--she--relationship…”

I couldn’t keep up with their fast words. My head was far too sluggish and preoccupied with other thoughts, like what would happen if I just held my breath until I passed out.

Nico got up and left the room, Jason with him. Annabeth walked over to me, kneeled down beside my bed and pulled my arm closer to her. 

Her now slow, honey-like voice rang in my ears, “Percy, lay on back down. Your arm isn’t bleeding that bad, but a nurse is coming to bandage it.”

My body slowly sunk back into the mattress and I felt the weight of the comforter being pulled over me. Annabeth sat there, next to me, and I just stared into nothing.

_ You could hit her. You could get up and strangle her, or Nico. Nico is the one who stopped you. Who were you hurting other than yourself? No one. If you weren’t so stupid or obvious about it, I bet you’d still be doing it. You’d still-- _

“Sit up, now, just for a moment.”

The voice was deeper, still slow, and less like honey and more warm, like coffee. It was Nico.

It took me a couple of seconds to even gain the energy to try to sit up. My head spun and dark spots danced in my vision. I had barely even moved. I felt Nico help me up, but he continued to support my body weight even after I was upright. The nurse, on my right side, disinfected my arm. The sting was addictive and I wanted her to pour a whole bottle on my arm.

_ More. You deserve to be in pain _ .

Then, she wrapped it tightly in bandages. Nico helped me back onto my side.

The nurse and Nico talked for a moment, their voices distant. The nurse left, closing the door behind her. Nico stayed. For a while, I think he tried to let me sleep. 

He was silent and just sat, waiting to see if I needed anything.

When it was obvious I wasn’t going to sleep, he turned to me and made sure he had my attention. 

“I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but whatever it is, it’s eating you up inside.”

_ Wow, really? What gave it away? _

“And I know this is going to sound stupid, and feel free to turn away or whatever if you think it is, but when my little sister is scared or sad, I tell her a story.”

Part of me wanted to turn away. How old did he think I was? But most of me, most of me was drawn in by this. By the idea of getting to hear his voice non stop with no interruptions. Why, I wasn’t sure.

“But she’s only 10, so I read her Disney stories. You can hear about things that have actually happened to me.”

I was even more intrigued. This boy who barely knew me was about to tell me a story in the hopes of making me feel better.

_ You can’t be fixed with a story. You’re too fucked up for a story to fix, _ some part of me said.

_ I can try, _ another part said.

“--My dad, mom, older sister, and I were in Italy visiting family. My sister, who was 13 at the time, convinced me to sneak out with her so we could explore the village we were in. It was crowded and small, but bursting with life to the point where I couldn’t wrap my head around it. We didn’t get far down the main road before we were stopped by some adult. I was practically losing my mind, thinking he was going to arrest us or something…” Nico laughed.

His laugh flowed like water, rippling to every space in the empty room. The way his face lit up brought color into my dull eyes. Everything around him became more vibrant. 

“My sister, though,” he continued, “told him we were trying to find our way to the nearest park and the man went along with his day. We walked down the stone, cracked streets with the sun beating down on our fair, un-tanned skin. She always held my hand to make sure I didn’t lose her because she was always so eager to just  _ go _ that if she didn’t I’d lose her. So she dragged me. She dragged me down every back road, sometimes letting me choose which way we turned. We ended up at the beach.”

The simple word “beach” brought me back to his attention fully. I had only seen overcasted, 30 degree beaches where the water was numbing to your skin. I had never actually seen or experienced a warm, sunny beach.

“--sand in my shoes, and when I complained, she told me just to take them off. Feeling the smooth, warm sand on my feet made me forget entirely that we weren’t supposed to be there. The sound of the bright blue waves crashing against the sand brought me a sense of joy and serenity I hadn’t felt before. We sat near the water and she spewed every fact there was to know about the Mediterranean Sea. I was exhausted from the walking and ended up falling asleep on her shoulder. I woke just as the sun was setting. The blue sky melted into a million different shades, from the red hue surrounding the sun or to the deep indigo that would soon cover the entire sky. The water reflected the colors and I had never been more entranced into anything else.”

I imagined what Nico was describing, the cool breeze misting sea spray against my skin. I could almost smell the salty air. 

He talked for a while longer about how they were eventually found and their mother hugged them, crying and kissing their heads. He explained his father’s rage, yelling at them in Italian for a half hour straight, but then just hugged them. He described a healthy, close-knit family that cared for each other more than anything. 

_ A familiar story, don’t you think? _

I felt a pull in my chest at the reminder of my once close, now broken, family. Nico seemed to know to not let the silence linger too long, picking up the story right before I would have fallen in the hole of self-hatred.

By the end of his story, of his memory, Percy hated to admit it, but the buzzing in his head was gone. The voices that he’d been arguing with for the past three days were gone. 

_ How long is that going to last? What happens when Nico leaves to go back to school in the fall? _

Footsteps and the sound of Annabeth’s voice could be heard through the walls, and she was with someone. I assumed it was Jason. They were far away, probably a hall or two down still, but the walls were thin so I could hear most things that went on outside of the room.

I turned my body and sat up on the edge of my bed.

Nico stood up and picked out clothes from my drawer, handing them to me. “You need to get ready. You’re being excused from your morning lesson, today, but you need lunch.”

I took the clothes from him, then waited for him to leave so I could change.

Pulling my shirt over my head, I was faced with the sight of my frail, scar covered body. Some were self inflicted, most were from the hospital. 

_ Hideous. It’s a reminder of all of the times you failed. _

Quickly, I pulled the clean shirt on and sighed shakily. I closed my eyes as I changed into my clean shorts. I shuffled slowly to the door, opening it for Nico.

Instead, I found a smaller, curly-haired figure standing in front of me. A nervous smile appeared on her face and I felt my blood boil with rage. At the same time, my stomach dropped.

_ Why are you here? _

“Hey, Percy..” She whispered shakily.

For the first time in almost a year, the words I thought of saying actually left my lips.

“Get out,” I uttered.

She didn’t move, but her smile faltered.

“Get out!” I repeated with more force, “Get out! Get out! Get the fuck out! I don’t-I don’t want you here!”

My entire body trembled, and whether it was with anger or some other pained emotion I wasn’t sure. I could feel a lump forming in my chest as I thought of all of the holidays, all the weekends where she could have come to see me but she didn’t. I thought of all the times my mom let me down.

“P-Percy...I- I’m sorry.” 

My throat was itching to scream at her more, but the tears in my eyes threatened to fall and the lump in my throat disabled any sound from forming. Behind her, I could see Annabeth and Nico, both in shock from what I figured was me talking. 

“I know...I know I never visited you. I know you needed me and I wanted to--I wanted to see you so bad. But, I was...I felt like I had failed as a mom. I had to see three different times how I failed to love you enough, failed to talk to you enough, failed at being there for you.”

_ Excuses. She’s coming up with excuses right now? _

I didn’t care if I was crying, or if I felt like I was tearing my throat into pieces by screaming at her.

“Do you think that’s a good enough excuse?! Do you think in that I didn’t spend months in here staring at the door? Waiting! Waiting for you to walk in--” My once loud, anger drenched voice broke into something much more small and much more broken, “For you to walk in and hug me. Tell me everything was going to be okay. That we would _ make it okay. _ ”

I couldn’t even see her face, my vision was so distorted as tears poured from my eyes.

Months of repressed sadness and pain regurgitated themselves into my chest and took up so much space that I couldn’t breathe. My legs gave out, my knees crashing to the floor as I broke into desperate sobs. 

For minutes, no one did anything.

“Mrs. Jackson, I don’t mean to sound rude, but it would be best if you left.”

I could barely hear the voice over the sound of my own cries, but the second I felt hands on my shoulders, my cry became silent.

I looked up to see Nico’s face in front of mine. I crashed into his body, holding him like my life depended on it. Because maybe it did. Maybe if Nico hadn’t been there, I would have lost all hope in everything and my heart would have broken into so many pieces that it wouldn’t be able to beat anymore. 

Footsteps, I hoped they were my mother’s, got quieter as the person whom they belonged to got further away.

Nico and I sat in the doorway, my tears soaking his shirt, for over an hour. The only reason I stopped is because the world around me went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I shouldn't be up right now, but we're not going to talk about that. Enjoy!

In a state of confusion, my eyes opened and I blinked in attempt to adjust to the lighting. A sharp, throbbing pain swelled throughout my head.

_ Why is my throat so sore? _ I noticed, coughing, simultaneously wincing at the pain it brought to my head.

It was only a few moments before the door opened, and seeing the face of who was at the door brought back every memory.

_ “Get out!” I repeated with more force, “Get out! Get out! Get the fuck out! I don’t-I don’t want you here!” _

My mom showing up, me shattering into a million pieces in Nico-- _ Nico _ . I remember in the distraught state I was in, I was overloaded with Nico. I remember his steady hands on my shoulders, the way he smelled of black coffee and coconut soap-- a strange, yet endearing mixture of scents--, how his voice, soft and steady, tried to coax me into a calmer state. I remember most not wanting the moment to end. I remember feeling my body gravitate to his and once I held onto him, I couldn’t imagine letting go.

_ Surely, it was just because of how shook up I was. I still haven’t even talked to him, there’s no way I could have caught feelings for him. _

Yet, seeing him, walking in the room, I felt my heart flutter.

_ Stop that. _

“Percy..?” Nico asked, getting my attention, “How are you feeling?”

I had become so accustomed to not talking at all, that, while my mind was thinking of millions of possible responses, all I did was shrug.

“Are we going back to the you-not-talking thing again?” I watched as his brows furrowed together, but then the left arched in curiosity for my response.

I parted my lips, the sensation familiar, but still unnatural, “I guess--” I coughed, then decided to lower my voice to a whisper, “I guess there’s not much of a point in not talking anymore…”

It probably had just been my eyes playing tricks on me, but I thought I saw Nico’s lips pull up slightly, like he was suppressing a smile. 

I watched as he sauntered towards me, set down a glass of water and a few other miscellaneous things, then kneeled down next to my bed.

“Do you think you can sit up? You’re probably really dehydrated right now.”

I thought back to my, probably horrible looking, sobbing. I wanted to cringe and apologize Nico had to see me that way. I wanted to assure him I wasn’t weak and that I could handle myself.

Instead I nodded, and with wobbling arms, tried to push myself upright. I was about a quarter of the way up before falling back against my bed.

“I was going to help you, you know?” Nico offered with a soft smile and caring, brown eyes.

“Right…” I nodded, blinking to clear my head. 

I felt Nico’s hands on my back and he helped push me up into a sitting position. Black spots danced in my vision and my head pounded even more, if that was possible.

Nico probably saw I was dizzy, because his hands didn’t move until I felt steady.

Then, while grabbing and handing me the glass of water, he advised, “Drink this, then we’ll work on getting you some food.”

I wasn’t going to argue because looking at the full cup of water made me realize the dryness in my mouth and throat. I drank the entirety of the contents in a matter of seconds.

I handed the cup back to him and he set it down. Our eyes met and he tilted his head.

“How are you feeling, like emotionally?” he inquired.

“Exhausted,” I replied truthfully.

“Well, you have therapy again after dinner, and I’m sure the one-on-one therapist would be glad to talk to you just about today, even,” Nico offered with hopeful eyes.

_ See, _  I told myself, _ he’s just doing all of this because he has to. The rest of it you’re making up in your head. Mentally unstable, remember? _

I hated the idea of therapy and talking to a person so they could tell me what is wrong with me, but I wasn’t in the mood to argue with anyone (except, maybe my mom). I nodded to him, just to give him some sense of false hope that he was helping me. 

I noticed even in these few minutes the pain in my head subsided.

“I think I can stand now,” I stated.

“Alright, Percy. Just remember to stand slowly, no rush at all.” Nico reminded me, getting off of his knees.

He gestured his hand out to me, and hesitantly, I took it. I did as best as I could to pull myself onto my feet and become steady as quickly as possible, in a desperate attempt to let go of his hand as soon as possible.  As soon as I felt comfortable, I dropped his hand. I lumbered to the door, resting for a moment before turning and continuing down the hallway. 

I heard Nico strolling close behind me. A wave of dizziness came over me, causing me to stagger towards the wall. Nico was quick to grab and help me become steady again.

_ Don’t think about the fact that he is pressed against you. Don’t smell his coffee, coconut scent. Don’t think about his kind, naive eyes. Don’t think about him. He’s just your nurse’s intern. _

No matter how much I protested-- “I’m fine!”; “You don’t need to hold me up anymore, I’m not an eight month old baby.”-- Nico refused to let me walk on my own. The two minute walk was the longest two minute walk of my life.

I lead myself, with Nico at my side, to the table where Jason was sitting, and I plopped down next to him.

He gave me a quick glance of worry.

_ Later, _ I tried to say without having to say anything. Luckily, he seemed to understand what I’d meant.

“Did you all know,” Jason proclaimed, “that Percy Jackson does, in fact, speak. Quite fluently in English, might I add.”

He smirked over at me and I rolled my eyes, nudging my elbow into his side.

I received curious glances from the other teenagers as they probably awaited some sort of proof.

“My favorite way to eat food is blue.” I stated, and the curiosity quickly morphed into confusion, which even became present on Jason’s face.

“What the hell, man?” He laughed and shoved me with his shoulder.

I, smiling, replied, “Nah, dude, I wasn’t messing around. Ever since I was little, I really liked the color blue, so my...my mom,” those words made my happy tone falter, but I made up for it with false confidence, “brought me anything and everything she possibly could that was blue. Blue food just stuck the best, I think.” 

A small cluster of laughs came from the teenagers, whose names I think were Clarisse, Will, Lou, and Cecil. From behind me, I heard the growingly familiar footsteps of Nico, who leaned between Jason and I to give us our food.

I, for the first time, felt included in the group of close-knit-- _ mentally unstable, _ another part of my mind chimed-- teenagers. It seemed as if in those few minutes all of our issues didn’t matter because we were too busy laughing and teasing each other to care.

I remembered what it was like to be normal, healthy, and most surprisingly, happy.

_ Rachel broke a piece of her sandwich off and threw it at Grover’s face, and told him in a challenging tone, “If you don’t shut your pie hole now, I’m going to throw my comb at you.”  _

_ I had just made my way over to them, so I was confused, but amused all the same. _

_ Chuckling softly, I asked Rachel, “What did Grover do?” _

_ “Nothing!” Grover interjected, “I simply commented on the fact that Rachel Elizabeth Dare is the epitome, embodiment, representation-whatever word you wish to use-- of a Tumblr, first world feminist.” _

_ I could tell by Rachel glaring back at me, she wanted me to find his comment just as obnoxious, but I was stifling as laugh.    _

_ “Well, Red, Grover has a point--” _

_ “Well at least I’m not a hippy, band geek like one person we know,” Rachel quipped, fast to pull her out of any embarrassment she may have been in. _

_ Both Rachel and I were laughing, and Grover’s cheeks flushed. _

_ He stuttered, trying to come up with a comeback. _

_ Juniper, Grover’s girlfriend, seemed to come from nowhere. I hadn’t noticed her at all, actually, until her voice reminded us, “Well, unlike you two, Grover’s the only one dating anyone.” _

_ Our laughing ceased and Grover stuck his tongue out at us childishly.  _

_ I opened my water bottle and splashed him in the face, causing him to gasp and toss his fries at me. Our obnoxious laughter drowned out the sound of the cafeteria. _

Slowly, everyone made their way from the table to their therapy session, and Jason and I were no different. Nico, although, lead me to a different room than usual. It was smaller and farther back from the other rooms.

He knocked on the slightly opened door.

“Dr. Favonius? I have Percy with me,” Nico called.

A cool toned voice replied, “Oh, yes. Come on in.”

His hand pushed the door open for me and inside was a middle-aged man with curly black hair that was starting to grey in some places. 

“Percy Jackson,” he hummed, looking up at me, “come on in, sit down.”

He waved his hands, ushering me inside. I listened, hesitantly sitting in front of him.

“You had quite the episode today, and from my assumption, your mom was the trigger.”

I felt my body tense just at the mention of the day's earlier events.

“Did she go home?” I asked as I tried to hide the bitterness that came with the question.

Dr. Favonius sighed and shook his head, “No she hasn’t, and she would really like seeing you and talking. But it is obvious you have a lot of emotions you need to work through.”

“I do not,” I denied, shaking my head, “I don’t like her. Simple as that. I don’t need a special one-on-one session for you to tell me that.”

He rose an eyebrow at me. As if to prove a point or stand my ground, I crossed my arms over my chest and huffed. 

_ This random, old man is not going to hear about any of my baggage. That’s between my mom and I, or just between myself. I don’t have to tell them anything. _

“Alright. You don’t need help, that’s perfectly fine,” he agreed.

I was taken aback by this for a moment, then realized what he was trying to do.

“You think reverse psychology will work on me, old man? Do you think I’m an idiot?” I spat, words full of angst and bitterness.

“No, Percy. You know yourself better than anyone else. If you say you’re fine, who am I to tell you otherwise?” He queried.

“Fuck off, old man,” I sneered, pushing myself out of the chair and turning to walk out the door.

_ He can’t just sit there and patronize me. He doesn’t even know me. He has no right at all to make any judgements.  _

For the second time that day, I was shaking from an overwhelming amount of emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unedited


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Small warning: self harm and mention of suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating in awhile! I've had some writer's block, but it seems like we're back in business!!

Multiple times in my life, people have told me I have anger issues. I never really understood why they’d think that. Then I’d get angry. But I don’t ever just get  _ angry _ , I become outraged. My body shakes, my fists clench together to the point that my nails dig under the skin of my palms, and the worst part, I lose control of myself. 

Now, if people simply didn’t make me angry, none of these things would be a problem. The problem is, though, that people make me angry. It seems that almost every time I’m irritated, something bad happens. More specifically, I do something bad.

I never mean to do it. I never mean to hurt who or break what I end up breaking, so after the anger and bitterness flushes out of me, I fill with guilt. 

That’s where I was at the moment, guilty. 

_ Freak. You’re a freak who can’t control their own anger. What the hell, Percy. Three year olds throw tantrums and kick and scream, not 17 year olds. And now what are you doing? Running away? Hiding? Hoping they won’t mention what you did? You know they will. You know you’ll end up back in that room.  _

A lump formed in my throat just thinking of being put in that room for another 24 hours. 24 hours of being isolated, but knowing that I’m under constant watch-- _ and judgement _ \-- by workers. So yeah, I was hiding. But, I was also hiding from Nico. I was hiding from seeing the state in which what I had done had left him him. I didn’t remember much of what I did, other than him calling, “Wait!” once my anger started to die down and I ran off. I knew his voice was shaky, like he was crying or trying not to.

I couldn’t think of me making him cry. This boy was far too innocent and optimistic to deserve anything that I could have possibly done to him. 

_ Stupid, stupid, stupid. You’re a stupid, suicidal, all around messed up freak. _

The self hatred balled up in my chest and in my throat, making me want to scream in a desperate attempt to get it out of me. But I knew I couldn’t scream or else the nurses would really think something was wrong with me, I knew I had to be quieter than that. I started to scratch and pick at the scars that were splattered across my arms. I hit the back of my head against the wall in intervals of three, counting each hit in my head. 

_ One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. _

I felt my arm screaming as I dug through layers of skin, but the more it hurt, the less heavy my chest felt. The more it hurt, the more  _ I _ hurt, the less I thought about the words I had said to Nico. 

A hot stream of tears at some point started to roll down my cheeks, only making me scratch my arm harder. My vision was blurred and I could tell that the constant pounding against the wall was starting to affect my vision as well, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. Even when I looked down and saw beads of red forming over where my nails had dug deep enough into my skin, my first thought was  _ more. _

I was so lost in my own self hatred that I didn’t realize who’d found me in this state until after their cold hands were prying my fingers from my arm, they’d moved me away from my bed, and bandaged my arm. When I saw his dark eyes, rimmed with red, puffy flesh and his sad expression, my heart somehow felt like it had stopped and beat it’s way out of my chest simultaneously.

“Percy…” He sighed, disappointment laced around the word.

“Why are you here?” I asked, suddenly interested in my jeans to avoid looking at his face again.

“Because, Percy, it’s my job to look after you,” He said, and although logically I knew there was no anger or bitterness behind the statement, something in me was ticked off by that.

“Well you don’t need to!” I yelled angrily, looking up at him, “You don’t need to take care of me! A-Annabeth’s here and-- and she does perfectly well “looking after” me.”

There was bitterness in my voice. There was anger in my blood. There was an urge to hurt him behind that choice of words.

And just like it had previously, after seeing Nico flinch and step away from me, every ounce of anger I held flushed out of me and I was left with guilt.

“Too bad…” He murmured, slowly deciding to sit next to me on the bed, “You’re stuck with me for the next two months.”

I smiled. It was barely a smile. But he noticed it. I know he did. I know because after I smiled, he smiled back.

I could tell he was forcing it, to some extent. His smile was probably just about as weak as mine, but he found a way to turn it into a comforting grin. 

“Listen, Percy, I know you’re going through a lot, with your mom, and all… And I pushed you today, and I’m sorry for that because I’m supposed to support you in your progress, not push you to do more than you’re ready for…” Nico apologized, turning his head to catch my eyes.

I looked at them, reminded of the suspicion that I made him cry, and then looked down.

“Did I--What did...I don’t quite remember what I did. In the hallway… Before I ran off.” I stumbled to find words, wondering if he would tell me or if he’d just shrug it off.

I heard a shaky sigh from beside me.

“Would telling you-- Would that help you stop beating yourself up over it?” He asked.

To amuse him, because I honestly wasn’t sure if I would ever stop beating myself up over any mistake I made, I nodded. I watched his expression lighten, as if he was happy by me telling--lying to-- him I’d get out of this suicidal state by knowing  _ what _ I’d done to him, what I  _ said _ . 

“You came out of that office pretty angry… I’m not sure what he said or brought up, but whatever it was truly pissed you off,” he started, seeming to stall talking about what happened between us.    
As he spoke, the foggy memory came back to me rather vividly.

_ “Fuck off, old man,” I sneered, pushing myself out of the chair and turning to walk out the door. My entire body was shaking as I trudged down the hallway, wanting nothing more than to turn around and punch that sorry excuse for a therapist square in the face. Instead, I clenched my fists and walked to my room. At least that’s what I had planned on doing before Nico found me.  _

_ “Percy, what are you doing? You’re supposed to be in therapy for the next 30 minutes.”  _

_ I could tell he hadn’t caught onto the fact that I was a ticking time bomb and he was only furthering my anger. _

_ “I don’t fucking care what I’m supposed to be doing. Get out of my way,” I growled, shoving my shoulder into his chest as I tried to walk past him. _

_ His hand wrapped around my wrist, making me jump and pull it away quickly. _

_ “Don’t. Fucking. Touch. Me.” I warned, turning to see his face. _

_ He was taken aback, and maybe a little scared, but I didn’t care at the moment. I was angry and he was there and he bugged me.  _

_ “You’re not my parent, you’re not my friend. You are just some stupid fucking naive bastard who still has hope and thinks he can change people. You can’t. You’re just as useless as the rest of us, so get over yourself and get the fuck away from me.” I yelled, my fists still clenched tightly. _

_ He swallowed hard, then chose careful words. They were still the wrong ones.  _

_ “Percy… Look, whatever happened in there, tell me about it. Help me try to understand why you’re so upset.” _

_ “Don’t you fucking get it?!” I shouted, “It’s you! You and every other fucking person who works here! You all have some sort of fucking chip on your shoulder that makes you think that you’re worth something! That you have some sort of effect on people. All you do is meddle in other people’s shit and tell yourself that we’re something you can  _ **_fix_ ** _. You do that just to ignore your own damage! You’re no better than me, so stop acting like you are!”  _

_ Something flashed in his eyes and he took a deep breath before replying, “Yeah. Your right, Percy. I do have damage. But I’ve worked through mine. I can handle mine. Can you?” _

_ I punched the wall next to him while screaming in anger. His body tensed, he was scared.  _

_ Of-fucking-course, I thought, who wouldn’t be scared of you? You’re acting like a maniac. Scratch that, you are a maniac. _

_ “If you fucking ever try to act like you’re above me, it won’t be a wall I punch,” I threaten blindly, completely submersed in my lividness.  _

_ I felt him flinch from under me. _

_ “So you’re scared of me?” I laughed, shaking my head slightly, “Why? Do I remind you of some little voice in your head that threatens to take you over? Does my damage remind you of your own?”  _

_ I was taunting him at this point with just the knowledge that he wasn’t a perfect, happy saint. He was fucked up too, and even if he wanted to forget it, I wouldn’t let him. _

_ When he didn’t respond, or show any signs of any sort of response, I punched the wall again. _

_ “Your a fucking fake.” _

_ As the words left my mouth, I noticed the shake in his shoulders. I heard the small sniffles and the choked noises of held-back sobs. My stomach churned with guilt. My head cleared and I realized what I had just done.  _

_ “Fuck,” I mumbled under my breath, feeling the world crashing down on me.  _

_ I had just threatened and patronized someone who was trying to help me. Someone who had liked me, who looked past my issues. I had ruined everything and I was going to be sent to isolation. _

_ Shit, shit, no, not isolation, I thought worriedly.  _

_ Every time I’d been there, I came out worse than when I came in. And by worse I mean I felt more empty, less human.  _

_ I couldn’t be sent there again or I wouldn’t even have the consciousness to care if I threatened or hurt anyone. I’d be gone. I’d be my mental illnesses entirely.  _

_ Instead of explaining myself and apologizing, I ran. I didn’t think I would be able to talk anyways, I felt like I was going to vomit. _

“--Then you just… ran off. I-I took a while to, uh, process everything. But, um, then I went looking for you…” Nico finished, looking down at his lap, voice strained and quiet.

I opened my mouth to say something, but I knew no words could ever make him understand how sorry I was. 

So, cautiously, I grabbed his hand in a comforting manner. He looked over at me and I knew he was trying not to cry.

“I-I’m sorry...I don’t know what came over me then…” I tried to express.

Nico nodded slowly, “I know..I know you’re sorry.”

His body was tense and it took me a moment to realize that he was still scared of me. 

“I-I’m not going to hurt you, Nico. You know that, right?” I asked cautiously.

He just nodded and rested his head on my shoulder.

I felt myself slowly forgetting my suicidal thoughts and I felt as his body relaxed; we were comforting each other. Honestly, I was willing to do anything for Nico. I just wanted to make it up to him. I wanted to show him that the me had encountered wasn’t the real me and that I wasn’t a monster.

And despite my rather peaceful state, part of me couldn’t help but wonder,  _ Are you sure you’re not a monster? _

At some point, I fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try to start updating once a week, BUT I'm going to be on Vacation all of next week, so I may not be able to. I might make up for it by updating two times before I leave, or after I get back.

As I started to wake up, I noticed the pulsing throb in my head. I also noticed Nico was gone. He must have left after I fell asleep, since I was now laying in bed with a blanket over me. As soon as I opened my eyes, I regretted it. The white walls reflected the bright lights, overwhelming my eyes and making my headache even worse. I pulled the covers over my face and groaned. 

Despite this being the first time in a while I’ve gotten a full night of sleep, I felt exhausted. I guess it was like I overslept, since my body was so used to running on little to no sleep. Still, I dozed off.

It hadn’t even been 20 minutes when I heard the door open. There was some shuffling and hushed voices over on Jason’s side of the room, followed by a tired groan and more shifting.

A few moments later, a careful hand was placed on my arm and shook my gently. I only grumbled in response.

“Percy,” Annabeth’s voice whispered, “You need to wake up.” 

I shifted from my side to my back, then slowly pulled the blanket away from my face. Like before, the artificial light burned in my eyes and magnified my headache.

In groggy, slurred speech, I replied, “I’m up, ’m up…”  

I sat up far too quickly. My vision went almost entirely black and I felt myself starting to fall back down. In attempt to stay sitting, I used the wall as support. I shook my head slightly while blinking hard to clear my vision.

“Percy?” Annabeth asked cautiously, “Are you feeling okay? Nico told me after therapy you… hit your head and scratched up your arm.”

“ ‘M fine… just a headache.” I assured in a low voice. 

Annabeth didn’t seem to reassured, telling me, “Just take it easy, let me help you stand up.”

She held out her hand for me to take and I took it. She pulled me to my feet and I was hit with another dizzy spell. My stomach churned. 

“I’m… I’m fine, you can let go,” I insisted, even though my breathing was shaky. 

Annabeth held onto me for a few more moments before letting me stand on my own. I swayed slightly, but stayed upright. 

I was sluggish as I picked clean clothes, along with shampoo and body wash. Gripping the cloth in my hand, I lumbered through the hallway to the shower room.

_ Hot. I need a hot shower. Like, burn my skin off hot. _

I set my clothes down and pulled the knob out, multiple streams of water erupting from the showerhead. The noise rang in my ears. I turned the knob as far to the right as it went, making it scalding hot. Steam started to rise into the air. Even though I hadn’t gotten in the shower, I could feel the wet, hot air clinging to my cool skin. It felt like it was suffocating me, which is one of the reasons I loved it so much. Pulling yesterday’s clothes off of my body, I tossed them on the floor. Placing a hand on the wall for support, I stepped into the hot stream of water, my skin immediately hating me for making it this hot. Not only were the streams burning my skin, the pressure of the water made it feel like thousands of paintballs were being shot at me. I stood still under the water. Steam and hot air filled my lungs, and I felt dizzy again.

Blinking hard, I remembered why I was in the shower and reached for the shampoo bottle, wrapping my fingers around the cool surface. Popping the top off, I squeezed some of the liquid into the palm of my hand. My skin was red from irritation, I noticed as I looked down at my arms. I lifted my arms to lather the soap in my hair, but my arms were heavy, so my movements were slow. After, I just sat under the water and let it stream into my hair and wash out the soap. 

Eventually, I pushed the knob in, turning the water off. As soon as I stepped out, the cool air clung to my burning skin, making me shiver. I languidly used a towel to dry my skin off, then rubbed it against my sopping hair to help it dry faster. I pulled my clothes on, collected my things, then made my way back to my room. I bent down to reach the drawer where I kept my toiletries and instead stumbled back as my vision went black. I had another dizzy spell and my breathing became uneven. I felt as if I was going to pass out.

A short while after, the dizziness passed and I just placed my things on top of the dresser, so I wouldn’t have to bend down again.

From behind me, I heard footsteps into the room. I turned to see Nico. I felt sick again, but not from dizziness. It was a different kind of ill feeling.

“How’d you sleep?” He asked, voice lower, as if he had only woken up awhile ago.

“Fine…” I replied, almost asking why he had left the previous night.

“Annabeth said you were feeling dizzy? I figured I should probably check to see if you have a concussion,” Nico explained, walking towards me.

I opened my mouth to argue, but then remembered how horrible I had felt that morning, then sighed, “Alright.”

He asked me to do a few things and answer a few questions and checked my pupils. I could tell by his expression before he even said anything that I had a concussion. I wasn’t sure how bad it was, but his face gave it all away. His eyebrows were furrowed and concern filled his dark eyes, his mouth was tugged into a tight frown.

Nico sighed, then concluded, “You have a moderate concussion. Come on, we have to tell Annabeth and see what she thinks you should do.”

“Alright,” I nodded, then told him teasingly, “You need to work on your stone cold, doctor face. I could tell before you even spoke that I had one.”

Nico smiled softly and started to walk away, “Can’t help if I’m worried about you, Jackson.”

I may have followed after him a bit too eagerly, but I was happy that he didn’t seem too messed up about the previous night. Even though I didn’t know him for very long or very well, I felt like he was a friend and I cared about him.

We turned down a few hallways and found Annabeth. Nico and her spoke in hushed tones, I suppose so I couldn’t overhear. They talked for a long time, making me think that they talked about more than just my concussion. Every so often, as if he could feel that I was uneasy, Nico sent me a reassuring glance. 

Nico made his way back to me after some time, then explained the gist of their conversation, “You’re going to be in your room all day, and I’m going to be watching you to make sure you don’t have any worsening symptoms. I’ll bring you breakfast, then you’ll go to group therapy. When you come back, you’ll take it easy with your school work, since we really just want you to rest and get better. You’re probably going to at least try to sleep more, since that’s something you can do without me having to worry that you’ll get yourself in some sort of trouble.”

“Alright, but I’m not sure what you mean by trouble. I’ve never done a bad thing in my life,” I protested jokingly. 

I joked a lot about my behaviour and mental health. Most people who weren’t in my place were taken aback by it, but Jason did it often as well. It was a way of coping, I guess. I had expected Nico to be confused or offended by my joking, but he chuckled and shook his head.

“Alright then, innocent angel who didn’t threaten to hit me yesterday, let’s go back to your room,” He quipped back.

I smiled and we made small jokes on the walk back to my room. 

Once we got the the room, I sat down on my bed and Nico sat next to me.

“What do you want to eat?” He asked me, since he was going to get it for me.

“I don’t care, as long as it looks like it’s not going to kill me,” I replied, shrugging.

“That’s very helpful,” he rolled his eyes.

“Just grab what you would eat,” I told him because I genuinely didn’t care. 

I ate whatever they had to serve because I already cause people who work here enough trouble when I didn’t talk or even try to help myself. 

Nico left the room, telling me he would be back, and stomach churned again, but not like I was nauseous or dizzy. I shook off the feeling and didn’t think anything more of it. 

Nico came back with a plate full of food, brought it to me, and sat in front of me.

I started to pick and eat the food, but I had suddenly lost my appetite when Nico sat near me. 

“Are you feeling nauseous?” Nico asked, then noted, “You aren’t eating much.” 

“I’m… I’m fine. I just overestimated my hunger, I guess. I don’t eat much in the morning usually, anyways.”

I had eaten about half of the plate, and as I was about to force myself to eat more, Nico took the plate away.

“I’m not going to force you to eat ‘till you do get sick. As long as you're full, you’re good,” He explained, looking at me with a reassuring glance.

Nico looked down at his watch, then stated, “You still have 30 minutes before therapy, so you can rest or just hang out with me.” 

“You’re pretty cool, I guess.”

He smiled at my statement, making me smile back. 

“Well, what do you want to do?” Nico asked, head tilting like an innocent puppy.

“Figure you out. Get to know you better. If I’m stuck with you for two months, may as well know who I’m dealing with, right?” I joked.

“Only if you tell me about you too. You’re the mystery patient and, I have to admit, I’m pretty interested in figuring you out too,” Nico responded.

“Sounds fair,” I nod, “You start.”

He takes a few moments to think, then spoke thoughtfully, “What’s your fondest memory?” 

I laugh, “I was expecting favorite color or something stupid, not a deep question.”

“I don’t beat around the bush,” declared the younger boy, “Don’t think you can avoid answering the question, Percy.”

I sighed, “Ummmm… eating bags of blue candy with my mom and dad probably. My dad was a fisherman, so he was gone for months at a time and my mom worked part time at a candy store. So whenever Dad would come back, we’d celebrate by having blue candy.”

“Why blue candy specifically?” Nico inquired.

“That, Nico, is my favorite color. I was obsessed with it until I was, like, 12. Now it’s just comforting. It reminds me of what life used to feel like. Safe, simple, happy,” I revealed, then quickly changed the subject, “Alright, my turn. If you were stuck on a deserted island, what 5 items or people would you bring with you and why?” 

He chuckled, “Interesting question choice, Percy. I think I’d take my mythomagic cards to keep me busy, since I’m assuming the island has no service.”

We both laughed lightly and for a moment, the way he smiled caught my eye. I shook off the strange feeling it gave me, assuming it was because I hadn’t hung out like this with someone in a long time.

Nico gave his answer more thought before continuing, “I would take a knife since they can be used for a lot of things needed for survival. I’d take a boat, so I could leave if I ever wanted to. Maybe I’d bring a rope, too, I’m sure I’d end up needing one. Oh, and I’d bring a tent.”

“No people?” I asked. 

He shook his head, “I wouldn’t want to bring anyone I care about, like my little sister Hazel or any of my friends. I wouldn’t want to bring anyone I hate either, since they could kill me or something and get away with it.”

I nodded, “I see..” 

We talked like this for a while; asking questions back and forth, laughing. Nico was smart enough to keep track of time because, I’m sure if he hadn’t, we would have talked through therapy. He helped me up, then walked me to the group therapy room. I guess they had decided it would be better for me here or something, but I still dreaded it just as much. 

Instead of paying attention, I was thinking back to talking with Nico. I heard his laughter ring through my head and remembered how our eyes would meet and the world seemed to stop for a few moments. I didn’t understand why I felt that way. Maybe it was because Nico actually treated me like a normal person, not like I was made of eggshells or like I was a ticking time bomb. Even though Nico had seen the worst of me,  _ well maybe not the worst _ , he still treated me like I was his friend, not his patient.

_ That’s his job, _ I reminded myself,  _ you aren’t anything special to him, or anyone. _

Just as I started to spiral into negative thoughts, Nico’s figure walked past the window, grabbing my attention. He stopped near the door, Annabeth with him. They seemed to be in deep conversation. 

The door was ajar, so when the room would quiet down, I could hear what they were saying. For the most part, the words meant nothing to me. 

I overheard Annabeth tell Nico near the end of therapy, “--talk to him, since Percy basically imprinted on you--key to getting better--push him to get better.”

_ I told you so. I told you so. I told you so. Dammit, why did you even start to think he would want to actually be friends with you. Annabeth’s talking about me like I’m some animal. She’s putting him up to this. _

“Percy?” the therapist, whose name I hadn’t bothered to learn yet, interjected, “Are you feeling alright? You’ve been awfully quiet.”

“I’m fine,” I stated, then spoke loud enough for Nico and Annabeth to hear, “I’m trying to remember what it’s like to be in control of my own life. To not have people whispering behind your back, trying to poke and prod at you until you give them what they want. I’m trying to remember what it’s like to have an actual friend. One who I can just go to the movie with, or to the mall. One I can trust to just want to hang out with me, and not have any alternative motives.”

Why I was so keen on making Nico and Annabeth hear this, I wasn’t sure. But after I said what I needed to, I stood up roughly. I pushed the chair as I stood and it tipped back. I stormed out of the room.

Once I got past the door, Nico grabbed my arm. The sensation made a tingling feeling shoot up to my shoulder, but I was so upset that I didn’t comprehend it. 

“Percy, wait. Talk to me about what’s wrong,” Nico pleaded.

I fumed, pulling my arm away from him, “Leave me alone. I want someone else. At least they won’t lie about actually wanting nothing to do with me. I even told myself you were just pretending, but you made me believe, Nico. For a second, you made me believe that you saw past my mental issues. But you’re just like everyone else.”

_ Why are you so worked up over him acting this way? If it were anyone else, you wouldn’t be talking. You’d be punching and throwing things.  _

While the question lingered, like the feeling of his hand around my wrist, I charged through the hallways. I walked past my room, knowing that’d be too obvious. I stormed all the way to the back of the library, lodging myself in between a bookshelf and a wall.

I secretly hoped it would fall on me and crush me so my face would be so distorted that no one could ever tell that I was silently sobbing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unedited


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoping to update at least once more by Friday! Hope you enjoy!

Crying for what felt like hours amplified the throbbing headache I’d had all day. I knew I should leave the small space between the bookshelf and wall, find someone, and tell them about my concussion and how my head is hurting worse. I knew that would be the smart thing to do. But it would also be what Nico would want me to do. It would be what Annabeth would want me to do, and I couldn’t let them think they had any control over me at all. They didn’t. Plus, I liked the dark, hidden area. I liked how all noise from the outside world ceased and all I could hear was my sharp, uneven breathing and my heartbeat.

I didn’t move for another hour or so. I just sat, in pain and dizzy. I had stopped crying some time ago, but I could still feel the dry trail of where tears once fell.

_Maybe if I stay here long enough, I’ll pass out and die in my sleep. Eventually they’ll find my body and then Nico, Annabeth, my mom-- all of them-- will see how they hurt me. They’ll feel the guilt I feel every day for just existing. Maybe they’ll hurt the way I hurt,_ I conjured the whole story in my head. I thought of how my mother would cry and Annabeth would comfort her. Annabeth would hold herself together until late at night, where she couldn’t escape the burning image of my pale, limp corpse. I thought of how Nico would probably be scared off from trying to help anyone ever again. He was younger than me and hadn’t been through as much, so the experience could ruin him. Hell, for all I know, he could end up like me. He could end up some insane, mentally ill and unstable kid who hates the world, but hates himself more.

_Do you want that, though?_

My mom had lost so much. Dad just disappeared one day years ago, claiming he’d be back soon. Her parents died in a plane crash when she was young. Did she need to lose her son, too? Did she deserve my hate, even though she messed up so many times? _Was I wrong to shut her out and cut off our relationship entirely. We used to be so close. Is it my fault she’s a mess?_

All Annabeth ever did was help me. When I came here, I was a disaster. I was a basket case of pent up emotions, which made me lash out frequently. Within the first few months, most of the employees wanted little to do with me. They were scared I would hurt them since I was so unpredictable. Annabeth helped me. She was basically a mother to me. She didn’t pretend to understand anything I was going through, she just told me that she was there to help me figure it out. Somehow she seemed to calm me. She contained my anger and hatred for the most part. _Would it be right for me to ruin her level-headed personality by showing her that no matter how hard she tried on me, she still failed? Could she ever forgive herself for not being here when I needed her most?_

Nico. Nico came suddenly and saw pieces of me that had scared almost everyone else away from me. He should have been scared, too. He had every reason to work with Jason more, to bond with him more. Jason has understandable, unmistakeable diagnoses. Jason would be much easier to help, since there was some protocol or something on how to handle patients with severe separation anxiety, PTSD, and depression.

Me? I was just an utter array of a mess. Almost a year, and no one’s quite sure what mixture of things are wrong with me. They just know I’m suicidal and need help. They have to constantly be on their toes with me, since I lose control of myself easily. Sure, over time they’ve caught onto what gets to me. Even so, how was Annabeth supposed to know that I wouldn’t be set off by him? How was Nico supposed to know when I threatened him I wasn’t dead serious? What about me made him want to be anywhere near me? _But that’s what makes him deserve that even less. Even when he had every reason to just let you push him away, he kept pushing back. He cares. It’s obvious he does. So why do you keep running from him? Why can’t you let someone care about you? And if he does care about you, seeing you alone and dead will destroy him. Every ounce of that caring, pushy personality will be gone and he’ll just be an empty shell. A ghost of a person. He’ll be you. Does anyone deserve that?_

The longer I thought, the less I wished to abruptly die in this spot. As I thought of how I could possibly ruin the lives of everyone who ever gave a damn about me long enough to try and help me, the ball of sadness in my chest began to shrink. As much as I hated to admit it, I cared about those three people more than anyone else I’ve known. The last thing I’d want to do is hurt them. Well, hurt them anymore than I already had.

So, I lurched forward so I could squeeze my way out of the small space. Once I was free, I used the wall to support me as I brought myself to my feet. Because I was still dizzy, my vision started to go blurry. I waited for the dizzy spell to pass, then stumbled out of the library and down the hallway. Immediately, I was grabbed by the arm.

“Hey!” I yelped, scared by the sudden contact.

I looked over, then realized it was one of the security guards. They had probably been looking for me.

_Oops._

He dragged me to my room, where Annabeth, Nico, my mom, and Jason waited. Well, Jason was doing school work, but he seemed much more interested in the door and whoever passed by it.

“Where the hell were you, Percy?!” Annabeth snapped, her arms crossed over her chest.

“Have you been crying? Oh, Percy..” My mom asked, voice filled with concern and warmth.

Nico just stared at me, a mixture of anger, hurt, and relief on his face.

“I-I was freaking out...I needed to be alone. I was in the library.”

“We went in the library, why did nobody find you?” The guard quipped.

“I- I hid where you wouldn’t be able to see me. Just… Don’t worry about it,” I turned to Annabeth and Nico, “My headache got worse. That’s why I came out...I want you to help me.”

Annabeth didn’t hesitate to walk up to me, but Nico didn’t even flinch.

“You got him, Annabeth? I’m going to take Jason out of the room. I’m sure he doesn’t need to see any of this,” Nico stated in a hollow, unconcerned tone.

“Yeah, good idea,” Annabeth responded while checked my pupils.  

She went through a few other questions with me, then sighed.

“Yeah, Percy, you may have hit your head again or something while no one was with you. You’re probably going to strictly be in bed for the next few days,” She concluded.

Annabeth then led me to my bed, propping up the pillows behind me so I could sit.

Annabeth was called out by the security guard, so I was left alone with my mom.

She seemed uncomfortable and hesitant to do or say anything.

“Mom...I’m sorry. About what I said, how I treated you the other day. I just- I thought that you had given up on me, or something,” I admitted.

She slowly sat down next to me and pushed hair out of my eyes, sighing.

“Percy… You’re the only thing I have left. I’ve been so busy trying to save money and work. I know that’s no excuse and you needed me to be a mom for you, but I was scared that I would come to see you and you would have only gotten worse. I was worried constantly, doubting if I had made the right decision to send you here.”

My chest ached as I heard her speak. The familiar tone of her smooth, warm voice filled my ears and made me feel safe. I thought of how alone I had actually felt without her and how hard it was for me to hate her. My vision blurred, but with tears, not from a dizzy spell.

I didn’t start crying until she had pulled me into her arms. I buried my head into the crook of her neck, at first silently crying. But an overwhelming mixture of relief from having my mom back and all the other hurt, anger, and sadness I had felt flooded over me, the crying turned into wailing sobs. The only thing that kept the entire ward from hearing was the fact that her shirt was muffling the wails.

All she did was hold me tighter and hum a random, soothing tune.

“I’m so sorry I left you alone, Percy. But I promise, I’m going to be here for you now,” she whispered.

I cried for I-don’t-even-know how much longer, but eventually ended up just in Mom’s arms. She kissed the side of my head and I forgot I was in the bed of a mental facility. I felt like I was a little kid again, crying in my mom’s lap because I missed Dad or because I scraped my knee.

Some time later, Mom slowly let me go, kissing my head again.

“I’m sorry, honey, but I have to leave for work,” She sighed, stroking my cheek.

“It’s okay, Mom, I understand,” I assured, “Just come to visit soon.”

She stood up, smiling, “Of course, Percy.”

After she left the room, I laid down. I was tired from everything I had felt and done that day, so it didn’t take me long to fall asleep.

Some hours later, I was awoken by the shuffling of people entering the room. I blinked hard a few times to clear my vision.

Across from me, Jason sat on his bed, looking over and talking to a person in the doorway.

“Yeah, I think he’s asleep. Why are you avoiding him, anyways?” Jason asked to whoever was there.

“I just...I think he needs to learn how to rely on himself. I’m not always going to be here, you know? Annabeth said Percy took an unusual liking to me. It happens a lot with little kids when they’re here. They come and some person reminds them of something comforting or familiar, so they become emotionally attached. With someone like Percy, it could be dangerous because he won’t know what to do with himself when I’m gone,” The voice, I recognized as Nico, explained.

I felt something boil up inside of my chest and I wanted to disagree and tell him that the only person I’ve ever needed was my mom.

_Why did you cry when you thought he didn’t actually care about you then? Why do you care so much that he feels like he has to distance himself from you? Maybe because he’s right and you’re just too much of a dick to admit it._

“Goodnight, Jason. Sleep well. I’ll be here to wake you two up in the morning, alright?” Nico said.

Part of what helped Jason stay calm were promises of seeing people again. He then had something to hold onto, so Annabeth and Nico always made sure to assure him that they’d be back. That they weren’t abandoning him.

“Yeah. Goodnight, Nico.”

Once I heard the door close, I acted like the noise woke me up.

I stretched a bit, then sat up.

“Hey, Percy, did we wake you up?” Jason asked.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah. Don’t worry about it, though. I doubt I would have slept all the way ‘till morning anyways,” I lied.

He nodded, then asked, “How are you feeling? After everything, y’know?”

“Oh,” I started, “I’m… I’m trying to be okay. Now that my mom and I are on better terms, I have a reason to want to get out of here.”

“Yeah… yeah, it’s good to have something to look forward to,” Jason agreed. “I heard that Thalia came back home. And Dad’s finally getting help for his drinking problem.”

He took a shaky breath. I knew his family was a touchy subject for him, with what happened to his mom and all.

After a moment of silence, he quickly added, "Not to mention, I'll finally get to see Piper again. God, I've missed her so much. Since she isn't family, she can't visit, but they let us write to each other. That's where I got all of these pictures."

Jason ran his fingers over a few of the photographs littering the walls. He had a sad smile as he looked at the faces that were familiar to him. 

I offered a subject change, “Yeah. I’m not sure how I’m going to survive being stuck in this room all day. The only thing that keeps me from losing it is the slight scenery changes.”

“Well, Mister-lash-out-whenever-he-feels-like-it, if you “behaved”or whatever, you would get to go outside. Trust me, I want to lash out and be angry at everybody, too, but it’s so much more satisfying to scream outside,” Jason smiled, joking around.

“Ah, well they all probably like you more because you haven’t threatened half of the staff. You see, my friend, I’m already screwed.”

“I’m sure if you were halfway decent, Annabeth would let you outside. Then all of the little kids could drag you to the playground and make you help them with the monkey bars and whatnot. It’s a blast,” a hint of sarcasm rang in his voice at the last statement.

We both started laughing. Something about Jason and I always seemed to just click. We were basically the same person, same sense of humor, same likes and dislikes. He used to talk to me about everything, claiming that I was the only person who ever gave him his full attention because I never tried to interrupt.

“What was your life like, before all of this?” He asked, breaking the comfortable silence we had fallen into.

“Well, we could go way back to four years ago when my dad left. It was right before my 13th birthday. My mom was a mess, but she tried not to let me see her like that. We had to sell our house and move into a tiny apartment. She had to change jobs, which was hard because she also had me to think about, but I told her I’d be okay walking to and from school. I ended up being home alone most days until like 9 at night, and my poor mom was exhausted but she still had to cook and take care of me. That’s when I started to feel guilty for being a burden, I guess. I was fine until Sophomore year. People started making fun of my family, saying I was the reason my dad left and my mom just pitied me. After a while, I guess I just started to believe it. Then, I pent up all of my emotions and sorta distanced myself from my mom,” I explained vaguely, not too keen on getting into all of the details of how my mental health deteriorated.

“Ah, dude, that sucks. I’m sorry. But at least you know now that they were wrong and were just being assholes. When we get out of here, we can go find them and pound their faces in,” Jason offered with a light smile.

I chuckled and shook my head, “I don’t know, man, that might just get us sent back here.”

Jason and I ended up talking for hours about anything and everything. As much as I liked talking and joking with him, I couldn’t stop thinking about how Nico made the same conversations so much better.

Eventually, Jason became too tired and went to sleep. So, I was left to think about whatever my mind decided to conjure up. Strangely enough, until he came to wake us up, all I was able to think about was Nico. I thought about how he smiled whenever he would talk about a fond memory, how his whole body would shift and he seemed happy. I thought of how his voice, no matter how he was feeling, was fluid and polished. Each word he spoke was well-thought and meaningful, only making it even more intriguing. I dwelled on his glances, always full of worry and something else. I puzzled over how his every movement and word stirred something inside me that I couldn't pinpoint.

When he looked at me, my heart stopped, and when he turned away I felt like he had dragged it along with him. His laugh caused a bubble of anxiety to blow up in my chest. When he touched me, it was like sparks had shot up my nerves, but when it was gone, the skin tingled and ached. I realized how I was practically wrapped around his finger in the sense that I did as he would want me to, despite not knowing him well at all. Why he was able to tame me and control me even better than Annabeth, I wasn't sure.   
_ Whatever it is _ , I told myself,  _ It's annoying as hell. And you need to get it under control. _

I didn't. I kept thinking, replaying, analyzing. I tried to come up with some reason, any reason, for me to act, feel, and think this way.    
I wasn't able to think of the reason until the door to the bedroom opened. My heart raced knowing it was him. The second I saw his face and my heart stopped, I thought to myself,  _ Fuck. Fuck, oh no. Dammit, Percy! What the hell were you thinking?! _   
I was in love with Nico di Angelo. Well, at the very least, I liked him very, very, very much.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy! If you notice any mistakes, please let me know!

I lived in silent pain for two weeks. Nico came around every day to wake Jason and I. Hearing his voice every morning was enough to send chills down my spine and make my heart race. To assure myself I wouldn’t say something nitwitted, I had become much more reserved around Nico. As much as this helped my cover, it only amplified my awareness of his every movement.

Currently, I was sitting outside-- _Finally, you can pull your act together long enough to be able to have more freedoms. Like being able to see the sky_ \-- taking in the dry, summer air. Nico sat across from me, much more interested in a puzzle that I had started and given up on. It was cute, seeing him with furrowed eyebrows and a focused gaze and he hunched over the table. His hand hovered and moved across the table, desperately searching for the correct piece.

_Stop. Stop it, Percy,_ I pulled my gaze away from him and towards the rolling hills and the trees that scattered across them, _you’re not helping anyone by looking at him like that. So just-- just stop._

Summers in California were much more unpleasant than summers in New York. I was used to wet heat, like feel-like-you’re-swimming-in-hot-soup-heat. I wasn’t used to dry, still heat. Even so, I enjoyed that I was even able to be outside.

“Do you know when my mom can visit me next?” I asked Nico abruptly.

He looked up at me, blinking out of his concentrated gaze, then thought for a moment.

“I think next Friday. Why?” He tilted his head.

“I just miss her,” I shrugged, “Plus, I think she’d be happy to see that I’m not always a wreck of emotions.”

Nico chuckled, “I guess that’d be reassuring as a parent. To know your kid isn’t a tornado of emotions every second of every day.”

“I can barely handle the mess that I am now. God, I’d probably already be dead of exhaustion if I ever was that much of a mess.”

“See,” Nico started, “That’s where you’re wrong. There’s no way I’d ever let you drop dead, Jackson. Like it or not, you will walk out the front doors of this facility.”

My stomach lurched as he spoke.

I smiled tightly, then jeered, “Ah, yes, Nico. _What on Earth_ would I do without my knight in shining armor?”

He laughed lightly and I managed a chuckle.

_If only you knew, Nico. If only you knew how serious that question was._

“I wouldn’t need to be there for you all the time if you weren’t such a damsel in distress. I can’t help it, when you get all wound up,” Nico teased.

I swallowed hard, turning my head back to the scenery.

“As hot as it is, it’s beautiful outside…” I admitted, veering the conversation away from borderline flirtation.

I’m sure Nico didn’t see it that way. But, the way he filled me every waking-- and sleeping-- thought, even the slightest thing would drive me mad.

Nico seemed confused by the sudden topic change, but then agreed with a nod, “Yeah, the heat is definitely worth it in order to see the country.”

We fell back into silence. I stared off into the distance, trying desperately to empty my mind of _any_ thought, specifically Nico. I assume Nico went back to the puzzle, since he didn’t make any other attempts to talk to me.

_Oh God, what if you accidentally tell your mom that you like him? What would she say? Fuck, am I gay? No? Am I bi? Shit, how am I supposed to explain to my mom that I like someone without even knowing my sexuality. Fuck, Percy, you’re a mess. You’re a fucking mess and when Nico leaves you’ll be an even bigger mess. Because you’re an idiot and let yourself become attached to him even though you knew he’s not a permanent employee. You did this to yourself. You got yourself in this mess. Idiot. Stupid. Dumb-ass._

My hands twitched, just itching to dig into my skin and feel the addicting relief of overwhelming pain. Instead, I dragged my nails across the wickered arms of the chair.

The noise must have gotten Nico’s attention.

“Percy? What’s going on in your head?” He asked.

“Nothing..” I answered quickly, still avoiding his gaze.

Nico sighed and rose from his chair, walking around the table. He crouched down in front of me.

“You’re going to have to trust me, talk me. You know it’s bad to hold in your feelings,” Nico whispered in a soft, silk-like tone.

I sighed shakily, looking away from him and objected, “I-I can’t… I can’t just- just talk to you…”

I stood from my chair and shoved past him, ignoring the shock it sent through my body. The idea of just so easily opening myself up to someone, _letting_ myself be vulnerable, made me want to vomit. I, now panicky and uneasy, stumbled away from him to a more quiet, secluded area. On the side of the building, there was a large garden with enough trees and brush to hide in. So, that’s what I did. I found a large tree with low-hanging branches and leaves, it might have been a willow. I used my arm to part the leaves and walked under the tree. Even though I knew I was still in a mental hospital, something about being under the tree made me feel like I was safe; like I had my own corner of the world. The grass under the tree was dead, which made sense since it probably rarely ever saw enough light to really grow. Thin beams of sunshine danced between the long, wispy branches, creating a sort of warmth to the dark area. I walked over to the base of the tree, reaching up to a crevice in the trunk. I pulled myself up into the tree. About 5 feet up, the trunk parted into two, leaving a groove large enough for me to stand on. The tree was tall and sturdy, so I decided to keep climbing. I reached to the higher branches, eventually climbing as high as I could, the branches above me too thin to support my weight. I sat down on the branch I had climbed to, resting my back against the trunk of the tree.

I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes and just enjoying the secluded area. From a short distance, I heard Nico calling my name. I swore under my breath.

_Well, that peace was short lived._

I heard him walking closer, more specifically the sound of the grass flattening from underneath his feet. He called my name again.

I sighed and yelled back, “I’m in a tree. Just- Just let me have this alone time… I need to think..”

His footsteps stopped, then I heard more shifting and brushing.

“I’m going to sit in the grass,” Nico called, “Lunch is in 20 minutes, by the way.”

I exhaled, content with the fact that I’d get to enjoy solitude for twenty minutes.

_It’s not solitude, idiot, Nico-- the person who you’re most afraid of messing up around-- is right there, waiting for you to break. But you don’t want to be vulnerable around him. You don’t want him to comfort you when you’re upset or soothe you out of rage. No, because letting any of that happen would prove that you need him. Prove that you rely on him and need him to stay sane._

I was taunting myself with my own feelings at this point. I was so painfully aware of how drawn to Nico I was, but I still denied every feeling I had. I felt like I was running in circles, driving myself mad.

_You are mad, you’re in a mental facility, remember? And who knows, maybe if you blow up into a mess of emotions enough times Nico would leave and never come back. But do you really want that? Do you want him to be gone forever, where you’ll only be left with petty what-if fantasies? Or do you want him to stay? To stay and remind you constantly that unrequited feelings are painful and horrible, but also to remind you that you’re still alive. Maybe, if you’re so fucked up that you aren’t gone next summer, he’ll come back and tell you all about some girl he fell in love with and you’ll be heartbroken to the point where you lose all ability to feel anything at all. So, people think you got better and they let you out. Then you can go live with your mom. You can try to fix everything you messed up and move on with your life, but still spend sleepless nights thinking about everything that could have been, if you weren’t such a crazy, stupid, unattractive, fuck-up._

Self-hatred boiled through my veins and I felt like my chest was being weighed down by my own emotions. It would be so easy for me to “slip” from the branch I was on. It would be so easy for me to hit my head hard enough to forget Nico. To forget these stupid fucking feelings I had for him.

_But what if you forgot Jason too? And that you forgave your mom? What if you scream and insult her again? What if you stir up so much anxiety in Jason that he just stops functioning?_

God dammit, why was it impossible for me to do anything at all anymore without feeling so much guilt?

_Or worse, what if you do and they don’t care. If they aren’t even phased by you not remembering them?_

I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, let the sound rip through my throat until I felt like it was bleeding. I wanted the entire world to hear it, hear the sadness and desperation wound within it. I wanted to scream until I couldn’t possibly scream anymore, until I passed out from a lack of oxygen because I never paused to breathe.

I wanted it so bad, but I wanted Nico more. I wanted him to comfort me while I broke down into a puddle of tears. I wanted to hear another one of his stories to distract me. I wanted to be as close to him as he would let me, so I could get a taste of something I’d never get to have with him. I wanted--No, I _needed_ to breathe in the scent of his coconut-coffee aroma, to feel his cold hands gripping me as his warm, inviting voice desperately said a million different things to calm me down.

_Fuck, you’re totally in love with him._

Before I could even think about what I had said, I had said it.

“Nico?” I called in a shaky voice, “I-I… Can you come here..?”

There was a quick, loud motion followed by fast-paced steps-- was he running? I saw him emerge from the outside of the tree. He looked directly up at me, concern filled in his chocolate brown eyes.

“What’s the matter?” He asked.

I took a shaky breath, “P-Please just… just let me talk and don’t- don’t tell Annabeth o-or anyone…”

I watched as his face became even more worry-filled.

I continued, “I… It would be so easy for me to just fall right now. I could just lose balance and fall off and hit my head, maybe I won’t die, but maybe it’ll hit the part of my brain that makes me _so fucked up._ Maybe it will somehow cure me of this stupid mental whatever-illness-I-have. I-I can’t take this constant, around the clock self-hatred. It’s like… It’s like my insecurities are their own person in my head and they just.. They just sit there and whisper things to me that will ruin my mood and send me into a spiral of, well, this.”

I was on the verge of tears. The forming lump in my throat strained my ability to continue talking, so I instead sat on the branch, regretting letting this situation happen.

As soon as I had started talking about falling out of the tree, Nico frantically climbed up the tree to where I was.

“You aren’t going to fall out of this tree. That’s not going to fix anything, and I know you know that because if you didn’t, you would have already fallen,” Nico explained.

I felt his hand grab my arm, sending shocks through my entire left side. I looked down at him.

With pleading eyes he urged, “Climb down from the tree. Then, we can talk more if you want. You can explain to me what’s going on and what’s making you feel this way.”

_That’s easy,_ I answered in my head, _you’re the one making me feel this way._

I nodded towards him, then we both descended from the tree. Nico, who reached the ground first, lead me to sit on the grass. We were still under the willow tree, but closer to the leaves and not the trunk.

“How do you want this to work? What is most comfortable to you?” He inquired in a hushed, soft voice.

“I… I don’t know. It’s hard for me… to, like, just talk to people. To explain what I’m feeling and thinking because I’m always thinking of ways people could hurt me when I’m vulnerable and all in the open like that…” I elucidated in a shaky, nervous voice.

“Okay,” he nodded, thinking for a moment, “What if I told you what I’m thinking and feeling first? I’ll be completely honest and blunt about it. Then you can do the same.”

_I don’t need to hear about how happy your life is,_ I wanted to snap. I bit my tongue, took a deep breath, then nodded. There’s no harm in trying, I guess.

“I miss my sister,” He started, already leaving me shocked, “Three years ago, she died. And as much as I miss her everyday, today is one of the worse days. She, Bianca-- remember when I told you about her?”

I nodded.

“Yeah… Well, she’s always that adventurous. She got herself into a lot of trouble that way, and ended up with the wrong crowd. I think because I was young, she thought I didn’t catch it, but I did. I knew she would sneak people into her room and they would do God knows what kind of drugs,” He took a deep sigh, “I guess one day, her and her friends took shrooms… She didn’t react well to it, I guess, and she jumped out from her bedroom window. She had a attic bedroom, so she was three stories up. The doctors said she was dead before the ambulance had even got to the house. I miss her and it hurts because, no matter how much everyone else can just hate her for “doing it to herself” I only remember the girl who used to drag me along on her adventures and take care of me when my dad buried himself in work. So, I’m sad today. But, I worked on a puzzle, which is really calming for some reason, so I have it under control.”

Nico gave a small, tight smile. I could see he was hurting, but the smile was genuine. I was surprised that he was able to stay so well composed. But I guess that’s what happens when you deal with your problems in a healthy, non-destructive manner.

There was a silence for a few moments before I started talking, “I… I’m scared. And tired, and sad, and so many things. It’s exhausting to feel that many things..”

I sighed shakily, every ounce of my consciousness was screaming at me, telling me that I was making a mistake and that I should just stop.

“Take your time..” Nico assured, “I’ll be listening.”

I closed my eyes, composing myself and straightening out what I wanted to say.

“A-and, it seems like I don’t know any other way to stop it than insulting or hurting myself. But _I know,_ I know with every part of my being that there are better ways. And then I start feeling like an idiot for even thinking of falling back into old habits… It’s just… It’s just an endless cycle of me hating myself and me hating myself for hating myself. I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t want to talk to any of those stupid therapists about it. I...I don’t trust them. I don’t think _I can_ trust them. Not while knowing that they’ve probably heard the same issues over and over again. I don’t want someone who’s seen this a million times to help me, because then it’s not genuine. Then it’s like their a robot on auto-pilot, just spewing information and empty words.”

Thinking about it made a ball of anxiety form in my chest. It must have been obvious I was feeling anxious, because Nico was quick to address the problem.

“Hey. Hey, hey, Percy,” He leaned towards me, catching my gaze, “Look at me. It’s okay. Just breathe. It’s okay.”

He continued to tell me random reassuring phrases, eventually calming me down.

“So you have issues trusting people? You don’t like the idea of them not being genuine, or just using you?” He quizzed.

“Yeah..Yeah, that sounds about right.”

“Do you think there may be any reason why?”

I thought for a while.

He must have been thinking too, interrupting my thoughts by asking, “Maybe your dad? He’s out of the picture, right? Maybe you felt like he used you and your mom, leaving you on the side of the road like an old toy when he was uninterested.”

The pang of anger and sadness in my chest lead me to think he was right. I looked down at the grass.

“Yeah..” My voice broke.

Nico rested his hand on top of mine.

“Guess what, Percy,” He stated in a soft tone.

I glanced up at him in response.

“You just opened up. You let me help you and that, Percy, that is big.”

Nico was containing his excitement quite well, and as much as I had hated it while it was happening, I felt better in some ways. I smiled softly.

“Thank you…” I whispered.

Nico stood up, leaving his hand out for me to grab.

“Come on. Let’s get you some lunch,” He spoke.

I took his hand and let him help me up. Once I was on my feet, I let go of his hand. He smiled at me warmly, making me smile back. Together, we walked through the garden, back through the doors and halls, towards the lunch room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying something a bit different. This chapter is in Nico's POV. If you enjoy seeing this sort of stuff from his POV, I'll be sure to work it in a few more times! I hope you enjoy!

It had only just struck me that at the end of next month, my internship would be up. The routine of waking up at 4:30 in the morning, leaving by 5, and taking a series of subways and buses to get here would be over. I would be able to see my friends again, see Hazel again. I rarely ever got home before 11 pm, so she was always fast asleep. Part of me felt relief, but part of me was dreading the last day and how it lurched closer every second. No longer would my days be filled with conversations with Annabeth, who despite being 7 years older than me, had become a close friend. I would hear much, much less of Jason, who had obviously done his best to keep from getting attached to me. I could see in his eyes, though, that he was scared too of the fact that I was a temporary figure in his life, a split second in his life. Jason was strong, though. He was gradually learning how to deal with his anxieties, so I knew he would end up fine no matter what his initial reaction would be.

As much as I wanted to say the same for Percy, I couldn’t. I had come in one of his most fragile states, then helped him back to a steady, healthier version of himself. He had gained a significant amount of weight after my arrival, spoken for the first time in over a year, and was slowly admitting to his issues. I had been around him through such large milestones, and it was obvious he was connected to me in some emotional way. I couldn’t blame him or myself for it. Distancing myself would only make matters worse, so I’ve instead been desperately trying to show him that trusting people, while it may be hard, is the most imperative thing for him to ever get better. 

Watching him and Jason, sitting at a table, talking and laughing with other teenagers, it was hard for me to even wrap my head around the fact that such dark things could be going through any of their heads.

_ Well, _ I thought,  _ you have had your fair share of dark thoughts. _

I took a deep breath, pushing the thought away. I couldn’t let my own issues get in the way of me helping them, so I was forced to push them aside and address them in my own time. 

I had one friend from my home that worked here. Reyna, a rough, yet emotional, girl joined me in my internship. She was also placed with two teenagers; William and Clarisse.  

“How are Percy and Jason doing?” She asked me in a hushed tone as the group ate.

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair, “Better. Jason has been doing really well in therapy: the therapist says that it seems like it’s been getting less and less painful for him to talk about everything that’s happened to him.”

She nodded towards him, who was quieter than most of the group, “And Percy?”

“He’s stubborn. Very, actually,” I chuckled, “But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see major changes in him. Part of how he coped with everything was basically just closing himself from any human interaction. I still don’t understand why he trusts me more than anyone else, but him trusting me is a step. The hardest thing for him is starting the conversation, but once it’s started, he’s pretty straightforward about what he’s thinking. What about Will and Clarisse?” 

She paused, glancing over at them, “Will recently found a love for medicine. It’s been helping him, having  _ something _ to put all of his negative emotions into. But, ignoring his issues won’t make them go away. I’m just worried that when he falls out of mania and back into depression, the medical books won’t be enough, that all the progress he’s made will be thrown out the window. Clarisse still has trouble thinking before she acts… But, I’ve convinced Malcolm that letting her take a self defence class. It’ll help her handle her aggression and keep her mind busy. The other day, she stole my pens for humor. It’s not that it was the worst thing she could do, but it’s still not a good thing, y’know?”

I looked at her and nodded understandingly. 

After a moment,  I laughed lightly.

“What’s so funny?” Reyna asked, eyebrows furrowed.

“It’s like we’re parents at our kids playdate. We’re standing here, watching them, and instead of talking about ourselves, promptly asking how they’re holding up,” I explained, watching her, too, laugh at the realization.

Percy, who must have heard the noise of us laughing, looked back at me with a face of confusion and worry. I gave him a reassuring smile and a nod. Jason pulled Percy back into the conversation they were having.  

Reyna and I continued with our small talk for the rest of lunch, then parted ways while leading our patients to therapy. It was a weekend, which meant there wasn’t any tutoring and, instead of therapy in the morning, they were allowed more free time. Therapy took the place of afternoon tutoring, and the larger time slot meant each patient got more one-on-one time with the therapist. Jason was with the first round of kids, meaning I would have to stay with Percy for the next 30 minutes. 

I watched as he plopped down onto his bed, resting his back against the wall. I opted to sit on Jason’s bed, across from him.

Percy was the first one to talk, breaking the silence by stating, “I’m sorry… about your older sister and all. I kinda had this image of you, like you were just some kid with a perfect life. I make quick judgements about people, but I was wrong about you..” 

I smiled softly, assuring him, “It’s fine. I don’t usually talk about it much, so I guess I can see where you got the idea. The good thing is, you admitted you were wrong and you apologized for it.”

The left side of his mouth twitched, showing the hint of a proud smile.

“Also, thank you for opening up to me. I worry about you, since you bottle in all of those feelings. Maybe I could take it up with Annabeth, ask her if she could find some way to help you get more comfortable with the idea of therapy and talking to people?”

He made a sour face in response to my mentioning of therapy. He shook his head, without saying a word to cut the conversation off. Like I said, he’s stubborn. 

“Alright. Maybe not. But, it wouldn’t hurt to try,” I persisted, using a sing-song, teasing like tone to persuade him.

Percy huffed, sitting up straight and crossing his arms.

“I,” he explained, “Don’t want to be  _ forced _ into talking about my  _ feelings _ . I want natural, normal human conversation. If it happens to lead to me confiding with someone, which it rarely ever does, then it does. If it doesn’t, then it doesn’t. No one can force me into trusting someone, and sitting me in a room with them for 30 minutes while they pester me definitely won’t make me trust them.”

I was struck with an epiphany of sorts, blurting out, “You haven’t ever had a diagnosis, right?”

“What the hell does that have to do with anything?” Percy quipped back defensively.

“I-- Just answer the question!” I pressed.

“No, no I haven’t. What was that about? Did you want to remind me that I’m some anomaly to the world?” He hissed.

His tone was both hurt and livid. I could see in his face that he was trying to control his anger.

“Look,” I explained, “I think I may be able to help you. With one of your problems at least. Just--Just come with me, we need to find Annabeth. Or Malcolm. Or someone.”

I hurried to my feet while talking, grabbing his arm and pulling him up. I dragged him down multiple hallways, eventually finding Annabeth speaking with who I assumed was a patient’s parent.

“Annabeth,” I interrupted after a few moments, “I need to speak with you, about Percy.”

I looked back at him, who seemed to be still angry and hurt, but now more confused and intrigued.

Annabeth glanced between Percy and who she’d been talking with before for a couple of seconds. 

“I’m sorry, Miss,” She finally spoke, “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

Annabeth then led us back to Percy and Jason’s room. 

“What is it? What’s so important?” She asked, trying to read our expressions.

“I think,” I declared, “that everyone has been looking at Percy from the wrong perspective. They’re just seeing him lash out on others and himself with, when you aren’t thinking about it, no pattern. But, I was talking to him, and he’s explained to me how it seems practically impossible for him to open up to anyone. He constantly feels like others are threatening him in one way or another. He lashes out to defend himself, and he bottles in his emotions so much that he can’t think of anything else to do but hurt himself. We just brushed over it in my psychology class, but it sounds like he may have Paranoid Personality Disorder. If that’s the case, it’s no wonder he hasn’t made much progress at all. Everyone has just been pressing and pressing, only making him feel more threatened. No one has taken the right approach to helping him.”

Realizing I had barely breathed while explaining my thoughts, I took a deep breath. I watched as Annabeth sat with the information I had given her, sorting through it in her head and trying to see if she had seen a similar pattern. 

She looked past me, to Percy, causing me to look back as well.

I couldn’t even try to read what Percy was feeling, and I wondered if he even knew what he was feeling. He kept looking at me, then at Annabeth, like he was waiting for someone to say something,  _ anything. _

Eventually, Annabeth affirmed, “That… That makes a lot of sense. I’m going to have to talk to Percy’s therapist, see if he knows of any better, easier methods for Percy. Something that he’s comfortable with.”

She had a way of reassuring and calming him before he even had time to freak out.

“Does that sound alright, Percy?” Annabeth asked, tilting her head.

“I- Yeah… I guess,” He turned to me, “H-How did you just… How were you able to just decipher that..? I-It’s confused me, it’s obviously confused everyone here, but you…”

I shrugged, “Honestly, I don’t know. I think it was just me being here at the right place, right time. I saw and heard everything I needed, I just needed to think of what pattern it all fell into.”

“Thank you…” He said in a whisper.

There was a gleam of something in his eyes, which were somewhere between emerald green and cobalt blue, that I couldn’t put my finger on. Whatever it was, I liked seeing it.

“Actually, Nico,” Annabeth mentioned, “I think you should go with Percy to his therapy today. Talk to the therapist about different patterns you see, give him a sort of gage on how comfortable Percy is with certain things. You and him can work it out together, and hopefully make him feel more comfortable.”

She looked back at Percy, “Only if that’s all alright with you.”

Percy made eye contact with me, looking at me like he was waiting for me to answer for him.

“It’s totally up to you, Percy,” I assured him.

“Y-Yeah...I’d like him to be there,” Percy answered.

I could see he was still uncomfortable with the idea of therapy and talking to a therapist. I gave him a reassuring glance, then watched as his tense shoulders relaxed. 

“I’m going to go back to the lady I was talking to before. Can you help him relax?” Annabeth whispered, leaning into me.

I nodded, “Don’t worry about Percy, he’s going to be fine. Aren’t you, Perce?”

He looked at the two of us, pausing for a moment, then nodding, “Yeah.. Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

Annabeth walked past us, and down the hallway; I listened to her footsteps until they faded into the rest of the noise of the hospital.

I looked down at my watch, seeing we had 15 minutes until Percy was needed for therapy. 

“Percy? Are you alright?” I asked, noticing how he still seemed tense.

He shook his head, sighing shakily. I grabbed his arm, pulling him to the space between the beds, then sitting down with him. I leaned forward and placed my hands on his shoulders.

“Percy,” I started, sure to make my voice steady and calm, “You’re going to be alright. This session marks a turning point, alright? It’s only going to get easier from here. And I’ll be here to help you, and when I’m not, Annabeth is here too. You can trust us.”

He was looking directly at me, and from as close as we were, I could see the fear and desperation swirling in his sea-colored eyes. His mouth was pulled into a frown.

“You,” I insisted, “are going to be perfectly fine. Alright? I won’t let you not be.”

Percy stayed still, lost in thought. Abruptly, though, he pulled himself away from me, seeming shaken by something.

My hands felt cold-- colder than usual-- without his warmth underneath them. I ignored the empty, slightly hurt feeling in the base of my gut.

Whatever I had done wrong seemed to have made Percy even more shaken and nervous.

“Percy?” I asked in concern.

His hands were shaking and he looked to be on the verge of tears. He might have been having an argument with himself; there was  _ something _ on his mind and he wasn’t sure if he could tell me.

“Do you need me to leave, stand outside the door? Can I trust you to not do anything stupid while you work through whatever’s going on, or do you need me to stay?”

Percy had started to move towards me, but then he quickly pulled himself back. Whatever he was going though, I could see it eating him up inside. I wanted to help him. I wanted him to not hate himself for whatever he was hating himself for. I wanted to see his  ~~ stunning ~~ goofy, happy smile while he said some dumb joke. I didn’t want to see his eyes darken and gloss over as he obviously fought back crying. I didn’t want to notice how his fingers twitched, like they always did when he wanted to hurt himself. I wanted to  _ help him. _

“Nico…” Percy eventually sniveled, “m-make it stop…”

“What? Make what stop?” I queried, although I had an idea of what he would respond with.

“I… I don’t want to hurt myself. Distract me...s-something.”

Instinctively, I grabbed his hands with mine. I held them steady, then tried to think of a story to distract him with. I knew we didn’t have much time, so it would have to be short.

“You like the beach, right?”--he nodded-- “I was at the beach last summer with Hazel and my dad. My dad was off doing whatever my dad does when he feels like being a dad, and I was watching Hazel. She has this long, frizzy, gorgeous toffee-colored hair. It was windy, so it was flying all around her, getting all in her face, but she didn’t care. She ran up and down the beach for hours. The water was freezing and I told her a million times she’d catch a cold if she got all wet, but she did. And although her lips were blue and she was covered in goosebumps and she should have been miserable--I was miserable-- she was grinning as wide as the universe. Her laugh-- she has the most adorable laugh-- carried through the harsh wind. And her miserable, cold older brother was just sitting in the sand watching her. Hazel wasn’t having it, me looking all sad and whatnot. So, she forced me to roll up my sweatpants, take off my shoes and run around with her. She forced me to jump over the waves with her. It was the first time we had been to the beach since Bianca died, and she forced me out of self-wallowing and helped me see that there was still  _ something _ to enjoy. That despite the world, and myself, telling me that I shouldn’t enjoy the cold, windy, bittersweet-memory-memory filled beach, I could.”

I had been speaking in a slow whisper while leaning close to Percy. I knew that making him feel safe and comfortable would be the easiest way to get him to calm down. And he did. With each sentence, I watched the worry leave his face. I felt his hands slowly relax in mine, along with his tense shoulders. He was looking at me, but his thoughts still seemed to be somewhere deeper. He inhaled deeply, then slowly pulled away from me.

“Thank you…” He murmured.

“Of course, Percy,” I nodded with a smile.

~~ He smiled back, the small gleam coming back into his eyes.  I felt my heart melt at the sight of him smiling genuinely at me. ~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unedited


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Holy shit. This has over 1000 hits and 80 kudos??? And thank you for all of the comments?? What did I do to deserve this praise??  
> 2) I've been blessing you all with frequent (almost daily) updates, but I won't be able to update for at least a week, since I'll be on vacation with my family and I won't bring my laptop with me. I don't see them often, so I want to enjoy the time I have with them.  
> 3) This may end up being longer than I expected. I originally planned for it to be 20 chapters, but it may be closer to 30 (no promises).  
> 4) I hope you enjoy this chapter and please keep up with all of the amazing, kind feedback!

_ “Thank you…” I murmured, hoping he wouldn’t notice that I was blushing.  _

_ “Of course, Percy,” He nodded with a smile.  _

_ That smile that made me want to melt into a puddle of nothing. That smile that momentarily made me forget how worried I was about therapy. That fucking smile. I couldn’t help but smile back, hoping that it wasn’t obvious how love-struck I was.  _

Nico was first to rise to his feet, then, like he always did, he reached his hand out for me to grab. I took it and lived in the few, short seconds that our hands were connected. 

_ You’re supposed to be getting over him, Percy.  _

I hastily pulled my hand away from his, sighing and asking, “Do I really have to go to this..? Can’t I just go sit under the willow tree instead?”

“Percy, you know I can’t let you not go to therapy. I know this stuff scares you, but I promise I’m going to be there with you. I’ll go with you to therapy as long as you need me too, alright?” Nico reminded, tilting his head and sending me a reassuring, care-filled glance. 

I nodded, exhaling shakily, “I know...I know.”

_ But what about after you’re gone, Nico? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to trust anyone without you there to reassure me that the world isn’t out to kill me? Not to mention the fact that you walking in a room makes my entire world stop spinning.  _

He grabbed my wrist, tugging me towards the door.

“It’ll be alright, Percy,” he spoke calm soothingly. 

I followed him outside of the bedroom, past the cafeteria, and down who-knows-how-many hallways until we eventually reached the therapist’s office. I noted it was the same therapist I had blown up on. 

_ Great. This is just great. This man, of all the therapists, has every right to be out to get me. He has every reason to hate me and wish failure upon me. Great, great. This whole thing is already going to shit and I haven’t even walked through the doorway. _

My entire body tensed and I froze. My breathing became ragged and quick and my hands began to shake. 

“I-I can’t...I can’t, Nico..” I started to shake my head and back away from the door, “H-He’s going to...What if--” 

My head was filled with a million different thoughts and I felt like each one was flying in circles in front of me. I tripped over my feet as I staggered back. 

“Woah, woah, Percy,” Nico followed after me, reaching forward to pull me back towards him, “Percy. He does not want to hurt you. He does not want to use your emotions against you. He is here to help you, like me. And if he ever says or does anything that’ll make you think otherwise, stop talking to him and start talking to me, alright?” 

I was still shaking underneath his grip, but now I also felt like I was going to faint because of how close we were. He had pulled me almost directly into his chest. I was taller than him, but he had also pulled me down so our faces were level. That definitely wasn’t helping my general nervousness. I closed my eyes, mainly to try and forget every panicked, irrational thought in my head. I took deep, steady breaths, trying to just take in Nico’s words. 

_ Ignore your thoughts. Nico’s right. He’s not going to hurt you. He’s not out to get you-- But what if he is? What if Nico is wrong? No. No, stop. _

“I-I can’t… I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I, I just--c-can’t,” my voice broke and I, again, tore myself away from Nico. 

This time, I didn’t hesitate to turn around and run off, stumbling over my feet as I turned the corner and b-lined for the doors outside. I rushed to the trees, climbing up the willow tree hastily, until I was up as high as I could possibly go. My breathing was rigid and hurried, both from my panicky state and because of the sudden exercise. The moment tears even threatened to fall, I lost control entirely. Within seconds, silent tears turned into breathy, fragmented sobs. 

_ Stupid, stupid. You’re such an idiot. There’s no way you can do this. You can’t get better. You’re too weak. Too fucked up. God, you can’t even trust Nico entirely and he pretty much has you wrapped around his finger, and he doesn’t even know it! Stupid, stupid, stupid.  _

With each painful thought, I broke down more and more. By the time I heard Nico start to climb after me, my face was soaked and crimson-colored. Snot was running down my nose and my wretched, hideous sobs tore from my throat and out my mouth. The only reason I hadn’t fallen from the tree was my hands, which were wrapped so tightly around the branch I was sitting on that I could feel the bark cutting into my skin. 

Nico climbed over me, sitting directly across from me. He didn’t do anything, just sat there with me. I fought with myself, knowing it would be torture if I got any closer to him but wanting nothing more than to be comforted and reassured by him. Nico had a way of making everything seem okay and I needed that more than I needed oxygen to breathe. So, in seconds, I released my hands from the tree and fell forward into his chest. I felt his arms wrap around me and I clutched his shirt in my left hand tightly. My face was buried in his shoulder, which now muffled my sobs. 

Instead of talking, like he always seemed to do, Nico started to hum. He hummed a tune from a song that was vaguely familiar to me. Eventually I was able to place it: Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. He started to, with his fingertips, draw random patterns against my back in a rhythmic, calming way. Slowly, my sobs became quiet whimpers, but I was still shaking quite noticeably. 

“Hey, Percy, “Nico hummed, “It’s alright. I’m here. We’re alone under the willow tree. It’s okay. You’re okay.” 

I inhaled shakily, my heart aching as I smelled the familiar bitter-sweet scent that I could now only define as  _ Nico. _ I squeezed my eyes shut and just sat there, relaxing slowly in his arms. We probably sat like that for 45 minutes, with me gripping onto him like my life depended on it and listening to the steady sound of his heart beat. He continued to soothe me with the slow, steady drawings against my back and the soft, melodic humming. 

Eventually, I slowly pulled myself away from him. I kept my head down, not wanting him to see how gross I probably looked, with tear stains and a blotchy red face. I backed away from Nico and towards the trunk of the willow tree. 

“I-I’m sorry...for getting your shirt all wet. A-and for running off and probably getting you in trouble... I just...I couldn’t be there.” I apologized in a quiet, shaky voice.

Nico leaned down, finding my eyes and replied, “It’s okay, Perce. You got overwhelmed and you panicked. It happens to the best of us. That just tells me that we need to take smaller steps. You have no reason to feel bad, alright?”

I felt my cheeks flush and I looked away, “Yeah...yeah, whatever.”

_ Stop blushing. He’s just being friendly. He’s just doing what anyone else who cared about you would do. Don’t over analyze it. Don’t even think about him in that way. Because in a month, he’ll be gone and you’ll be alone. So don’t. Just. Just don’t. _

“Do you want to get down from the tree now?” Nico asked.

I looked around, weighing the options of either leaving the tree and being forced into facing my fears, or staying and avoiding them. 

“Are you going to make me go back there..?” I asked in a pathetic murmur. 

Nico sighed softly then shook his head, “Of course not. You can stay up here for another few minutes, or we can leave now and you can rest or talk to Jason while I go and talk to Annabeth.”

“A-Am I going to get in trouble..for not going? Are they going to put me into isolation again..? C-cause I can’t,”--my voice broke-- “I can’t go back there.” 

Nico took a few moments, I watched as his facial expressions changed, now showing a mix of sympathy, anger, and sadness. He seemed to shake an unexpected thought away.

“I’ll be sure you don’t go back there. You might not be able to go outside for a while, but I’ll see what I can do,” Nico assured. 

I let out a breath I wasn’t aware I was even holding in. I looked around the willow tree, the afternoon sun streaming in from above us, creating patterns of light wherever the beams landed. A dry wind pushed the long, dangling leaves which caused a low rumble of rustling. It was a noise, like rain, that I was fond of. Being under the tree made me feel safe, but I knew it would be best for me to choose to leave so Nico could talk to Annabeth. 

I tried to make my voice sound as steady and certain as possible, “Let’s go…”

I started to climb down the tree, and to give me space, Nico just watched for a few moments as I slowly descended. In a moment where I had paused to breathe, without meaning to I found Nico’s eyes. A sort of tension developed, yet still neither of us looked away for what felt like an eternity. I was able to study his distinct features, a pastime I was much more fond of than I’d ever like to admit. I lost myself in his eyes, filled with so many merging colors it reminded me of a water painting. It was easy to think they were just brown, but if you looked close they would deepen all the way to black, but in the outer-ring of his iris was the deepest, most breathtaking green and hazelnut color. When smiling or laughing, his eyes had a tendency to wrinkle up at the ends. His eyebrows were fairly straight in their relaxed state, but he held so much emotion in his face that they almost never were. He had sharp, high cheekbones that would only grow more prominent when he smiled. He had thin, rose colored lips that curled into an angular, crooked smile. His smile naturally fell more on the right side of his face, so his right eye often seemed smaller than his left while he was smiling. His pale skin held warm, olive undertones. I imagined if he wasn’t spending his entire summer here, he would have had a nice tan. But as it was, it was like ivory fabric splotched with brown freckles on the bridge of his nose and the other high points of his face. 

Nico was the first to look away, coughing awkwardly and stating, “I’m going to start climbing down now.”

I blinked, then looked down to see my footing. I heard him drag himself up the branch and to the trunk. The next time I bothered looking up, I had already reached the ground. Nico was still at least five feet above me. Before I could even begin to lose myself by staring at him, I forced myself to look elsewhere.

_ Get. Over. Him. He’s just an intern. He’s just an intern. He’s just an intern. You’re a patient, and he’s an intern. He’s going to go home after summer, and you might leave sometime while he’s in school. This could be the only time in your life you ever see him. So, don’t even bother looking into his stupid eyes or remembering the dumb sound of his voice that makes you feel like you’re listening to a symphony. He’s an intern. You’re a patient. Get over him.  _

Nico jumped down from the tree, then turned to me. He smiled up at me, taking the time to catch his breath.

_ Fuck, this is going to be hard,  _ I thought as I looked at his face and felt my knees start to go weak. His raven hair fell into his eyes, which gleamed with a sort of brightness that was unfamiliar but all the same adorable; and his mouth stretched into steady, reassuring smile. 

“Alright, let’s get moving, Percy,” Nico proposed, then pushed me forward.

I laughed lightly at his playful eagerness, walking at his side. I was looking down as we walked, definitely not watching his left hand swing back and forth and almost brushing against mine. We walked in silence, which neither of us seemed to mind.

Within a few minutes, we made it to my room. Jason was resting in his bed, body turned to face his wall of pictures. Nico made sure the two of us would be fine on our own, then left to find Annabeth. Jason, who had sat up when Nico spoke to him, must have noticed my far too obvious longing gaze.

“Dude, what the hell? Do you have a crush on Nico or something?” He asked, snickering slightly. 

I felt my face heat up, and I turned to look at him. He wiggled his eyebrows at me, only making me blush more.

“What?! N-No! That’s… That’s insane!” I stuttered, shaking my head furiously. 

I sunk down onto my bed, then pulled a pillow up to my face. I wanted the ground to open up and let me fall into it, just so I could escape this conversation.

“Percy, dude, it’s fine,” he laughed, “You don’t have to be embarrassed or anything.”

“Yes, I do! It’s the most embarrassing thing in the entire world!” I yelled, my face still buried in the pillow.

“If it makes you feel any better, if I was into that, I’d totally be attracted to you,” Jason laughed, and though he couldn’t see it, I blushed even more. 

“What I’m saying is,” he continued, “the only way he wouldn’t be attracted to you is if he was straight. But he’s not. One day when he was running late, he didn’t have time to drop his bag off before waking us up and I saw a Pride flag on his bag. The dude’s a flaming gay.”

I peeked my eyes up from the pillow, quick to bury my face again when Jason made a suggestive face.

“It doesn’t matter anyways! It’s probably against, like, the law for him to date me! Plus, I’m turning 18, which would only make it even worse. I-I just need to get over him..” I argued.

I heard Jason sigh, then fall back onto his bed. After I felt like I wasn’t bright red anymore, I looked over to Jason.

“How...How does Piper make you feel? Like, when you’re around her or think about her?”

Jason laughed, pausing before answering, “Piper is like my gravity. She’s what makes the world spin. She has this amazing way to get me to calm down and think logically. When I’m around her, I’m always a stuttering mess because she’s this bright, pure gem in my shitty life. Piper is main reason I want to get out of here. She’s who I miss the most.”

I groaned and fell into my mattress.  I was an official lovesick mess; Jason was, too. The difference was, Jason was dating someone. It was a clean cut thing, they loved each other so Jason had every reason to feel that way around her. I was Nico’s patient. He was an intern at the mental facility I was admitted into. It wasn’t clean at all, and it was so, so, so wrong. All of it was just very wrong.

Jason laughed again at my actions. A few moments later I felt the mattress sink next to me. I looked up to see Jason looking down at me with an amused smile. I scowled and stuck my tongue out at him.

“Tell me about him,” Jason smirked, “It helps, to just let yourself obsess over them for a few minutes.”

I sighed deeply and turned onto my back. 

“I can’t… It’s weird and it’s wrong. I just-- I just need to stop thinking about him that way…” I protested, shaking my head slightly.

Jason changed the subject abruptly, “If you could be any superhero, who would you want to be and why?”

I sat up some, “I don’t know… Aquaman? I like the ocean.. So, yeah, Aquaman.”

“I’d want to be Superman or Thor,” Jason answered simply. 

“You, my friend,” I laughed, “have the weirdest thought process ever.” 

He shoved me lightly, “Shut up, Percy.”

I shoved him back, and soon we were messing around and teasing each other like we’d been friends for years. Somehow, we both ended up on the floor, laughing hysterically. When Nico returned, he was baffled to say the least. His face of confusion and loss of words seemed to only fuel Jason’s and my laughter. 

After minutes of nonstop laughing, my abdomen and face ached. I laid limp on the floor with my arms out straight, Jason next to me in a similar position. 

“What happened with you two while I was gone?” Nico asked with a chuckle.

Jason, still on the floor, replied loudly, “I pushed him, he pushed me. We pushed more. I fell off the bed. I pulled him down with me. We started laughing, and then we didn’t stop.” 

“Don’t forget the part where I accidently punched you, or how you were somehow on top of me,” I added, smiling widely.

“You boys,” Nico shook his head, “are something else, really.”

“You love us, just admit it,” Jason sing-songed, pulling us both up into a sitting position. 

I giggled and made eye contact with Nico. 

He held his gaze for a few seconds, then turned to Jason and replied, “I do. Much more than I’m willing to admit.”

And although he was looking at Jason,  _ something _ , maybe it was the way the words played off of his lips, made me feel like they were directed to me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's returned and can hide in their room and write for 12 hours straight?! I'm going to be posting a bunch this week if all goes well.

Dinner was always the most boring meal of the day. It was the quietest and most likely to be full of scowls and grumbles. In the morning, we were too tired to care, or we could write off our silence to a bad night of sleep. Lunch was usually a time where everyone thought back to simple school days, when we didn’t have anywhere near as many worries. By dinner, though, if the universe had only thrown shit our way, it had sunk well into our systems.

Will seemed more tense than usual, staring at his food like he was trying to decode it. Clarisse would take her pick at tossing handfuls of peas in one of our directions. All of us knew better than to yell at her to stop, so when a pea fell on our food we would ignore it entirely. Jason had been in a bad mood all day, his anxiety getting the best of him. So, he was zoning the rest of the world out to avoid another anxiety attack. I had been hit with a hard, terrifying, frustrating day of therapy. Then, I bombed a math test and was lectured by Athena on how “simply applying myself” would improve my work immensely. So, I was taking my anger out on my food by stabbing it with my fork repeatedly, rather than eating it.  Lou simply sat still, staring down at her food with a blank expression. She got this way usually when her insomnia had been acting up for a while, but she pushed it off as unimportant. By the dark circles under her eyes, I was almost certain that was at least a factor. Cecil was taken back to his and Lou’s room within five minutes of dinner starting. He dropped his fork on the ground on accident, then broke into tears while muttering something about him always screwing everything up.

On these kinds of nights, we were all reminded that, no matter how hard we tried, we would never be like other teenagers our age. We would always have a part of us that’s irrational, angry, sad, or just empty. We would only get better at dealing with that fact.

“Could you stop stabbing your food like that? It’s annoying,” Clarisse snapped at me.

I didn’t take a split second to think before jested back, “At least I’m not throwing peas at people’s face for my own humor.”  
Within seconds, the collar of my shirt was twisted within her hand.

“Do you want to repeat that, Jackson?” She spat.

I opened my mouth to do just that, but before I could she was pulled off by some girl and Nico.

In the background, I could hear Clarisse being scolded, and it didn’t take long for Nico to do the same.

“What the hell was that, Percy? You can’t tick people off just because you’re in a bad mood!” He whispered sharply.

“It wasn’t my fault!” I argued, voice a bit too loud.

I felt the burning gaze of children and nurses. I wanted to scream at all of them to look away. They had no business looking at me or judging me.

“Then tell me, Percy. Tell me what happened right there.” He stood with his arms crossed over his chest.

_He’s judging you too. He’s already decided you were the one who did something wrong before he even asked what happened. He doesn’t care about what you think happened. He’s just looking for a reason to hurt you. He’s looking for a reason to remind you that you aren’t getting any better. That you aren’t trying hard enough._

I stood up and pushed past him, towards the doors that would lead into the hallway. The entire way, I felt people’s glaring eyes following me. I curled my hands into fists and felt anger overwhelming me.

_Everyone is going to be talking about you when you leave the room. You look insane right now. You’re shaking with anger. You look like you’re ready to kill the next person who gets in your way. Who’s to say you aren’t? You are insane._

I shoved the door open, then slammed it shut behind me. I knew not many people would be in the hallways or bedrooms, so I let a scream erupt from my throat. I fell to my knees, screaming. I hit the ground repeatedly, trying to relive the anger and hatred that poisoned my blood. I didn’t want to be this way. I didn’t want to be angry and defensive. I didn’t want to be so quick to anger that I couldn’t even explain myself. But I was.

_Yet another place you fall short,_ I thought bitterly.

I punched the ground harder and I screamed louder. I squeezed my eyes shut and felt my own thoughts melting away until I had literally become anger. Suddenly, I felt as if there was no one, _nothing_ , I could trust. I couldn’t trust this place. This hospital, or facility. Whatever it was, everyone in it was foreign, and wrong, and bad. I needed to get out. I needed to find some place safe.

I was running, sprinting. I didn’t even need to think as I skidded through the halls, since I had done it so many times before. I was trying to make it to the front doors. I was trying to get out. I was trying to find my house, my room, my bed.

I made it to the lobby, like I always did. But the security guards by the door grabbed me by either arm. I remembered what happened every time after this. I started screaming again. Not out of anger, not out of sadness. I screamed at the top of my lungs in fear. I sunk down as low as I possibly could, but it didn’t stop them. They dragged me down the hallways. I was practically blinded with tears, but I didn’t need to see the halls to know where they were taking me.

“I’m sorry! Please! I’m sorry!” I screamed over and over, hoping they would just drop me and leave me. Get Nico, or Annabeth, and let them soothe me back into a calm state.

They didn’t. They kept on dragging me down the halls, ignoring my pleas and sobs. A figure turned down the hallway and blocked them, not intentionally, from moving further.

“Where are you taking him?” asked the figure, I recognized it at Nico.

Of course, it was. I ran. Nico chased. I cried. He comforted. It was how we worked. But I knew he wouldn’t be able to stop them from doing this. I had done this to myself. I had gotten myself into this mess, and now I was paying for it.

“He tried to make a break for the doors. Again. Look, you don’t know this kid as well as you think you do. He tends to do things like this. Until Annabeth can come and confirm his time in isolation, we need to keep him with us,” the guard on my left explained in an uninterested tone.

I whimpered when I heard them use the word. My throat was sore from my screaming, so I had been brought down to a small, limp, weeping mess. I looked at Nico with pleading eyes, waiting for him to come up with some reason, some excuse to get me out of this.

“Can I go with him? To calm him down and make sure he doesn’t run off again? I may have set him off, so it’s the least I can do,” Nico asked.

There were a few moments of silence, where only my broken crying could be heard. They agreed, and cautiously let me go so Nico could walk with me. I fell to the floor, unable to make my legs support my weight. My arms fell at my sides, shaking more noticeably since they weren’t being held steady anymore. I heard Nico’s careful steps come towards me, and then he was kneeling in front of me. He helped me up to my feet, lifting my arm so it was over his shoulders. His arm was around my waist. For a moment, I was calm. For a moment, my cries turned to sniffles and I felt like I could breathe again.

Then we started walking, and with each step, I felt myself starting to crumble again. With each inch closer, I was hit with terrifying memories. My skin crawled, knowing I would be watched again. Knowing _someone_ would be looking at me, judging me. Someone I didn’t know. Someone who could want to hurt me. And they could. They could hurt me, and no one would know for 24 hours. They could kill me and no one would think anything was off until it was far too late.

I whimpered, and Nico gripped me tighter. I felt his steady fingers pressing into my side and somehow, I knew what he was trying to tell me without even having to say anything. I knew he was trying to remind me that, even if it was just for now, he was there. He was right there, at my side. As much as I wanted that to be enough, as much as I wanted that to calm me down, it wasn’t.

We turned down the final hallway, and at the very end was the door that lead into the room. I felt all air leave my body, and I was struggling to bring more back in. I felt like I was suffocating.

In a quiet and honey-like voice, Nico soothed me, “Percy. Breathe. Breathe with me. Inhale. Exhale.”

He continued to remind me of how I should be breathing. It helped, but I still felt panic and fear coursing through my veins.

We reached the door and my knees gave out on me. I felt like I was going to pass out.

“N-Nico...” I whimpered in a broken voice, “I-I can’t…g-go in there...”

I heard him sigh softly. Carefully, he led me to the wall and sat me down. He sat across from me. He gave me a sad smile, eyes searching for something from me. Whatever it was, I couldn’t give it to him. I was too tense, too on edge, to even focus on him.

“Percy,” he called in a whisper, “don’t look at the door. Don’t think about that room. Don’t worry about it ‘till you have to. Look at me. Tell me a story, something about New York. I’ve never been there, but I want to visit someday.”

I let out a shaky sigh, then tried to clear my head and think about two years ago. Slowly, different memories came back to me. I sorted through them, thinking back to a good day. On rare occasions, I had good days. On those days, I usually was with my friends, skipping school and walking around the city from dawn ‘till dusk.

I parted my lips to speak, and I saw him smile softly.

“I really only had two good friends in Manhattan… Their names were Rachel and Grover. Since we were little, we were all “troubled” kids. We skipped school, cussed out teachers, and were your stereotypical bad kids. One day, I felt like I was on top of the world, I don’t know why, but I did. So, Grover decided we would skip school to really enjoy all of us being in such a good mood. So, instead of picking me up for school that day, they knocked on my apartment door and we started walking. New York is terribly noisy all the time, so even at 6 am, we had to yell constantly to make people get out of our way. We were on skateboards,” I paused to think about more crucial details, “I miss New York sunsets the most. The smoggy haze creates this blend between the colors you don’t get over here. The silhouette shadows of skyscrapers over the skyline are breathtaking, and if you manage to ignore the honking and screaming, it's serene. On our way back to my apartment, we practiced excuses as to why we were AWOL for the entire day. Nothing special happened that day, but something about how we walked around like we owned the city makes want to feel that confident again. I want to see them again, and walk around New York again without feeling like each person who looks at me is out to get me.”

_I want to show you around New York. I want to show you all the spots where I acted like a normal teenage jackass. Then, I want you to smile and say that I’m still a jackass, but I’m your jackass because I’m in love with you._

Nico smiled softly at me, tilting his head slightly. In that moment, my fingers twitched because my first instinct was to pull him into a kiss. Instead, I smiled back.

“I want you to be able to feel that way again, too, Percy. But, you don’t need to feel bad if you can’t be careless all the time. We’d have a problem if you were. We just have to learn how to handle the irrational parts of your fear,” he explained.

_We, we, we. He kept on using we, not “you.” I don’t need to do anything, we need to. Why?_

I nodded slowly.

“I-I’m sorry. I’m sorry for running off like that, for pushing you. I just…Clarisse set me off and then I felt like you didn’t believe me when I said that I didn’t do it. A-And everyone was staring at me, they were all silently judging me. Everything was just boiling up inside me, and it finally bubbled over... I freaked out. And then all I could think about was leaving and finding my mom. Finding a place where I felt safe,” I apologized, trying to explain my thought process through the recent events.

“Percy, you don’t need to apologize, I understand you didn’t mean for any of this to happen,” he leaned closer and whispered before continuing, “I honestly don’t think the way they handle you acting out is right. If anything, they’re just causing negative connotations to this place.”

Through the reflection of his eye, I could get a vague idea of how I looked at that moment. I knew my nose and eyes were red and irritated and that tearstains covered my face. But I looked as if I had just seen people decapitated.

_You overreacted. You always overreact. Stupid, stupid._

I flinched from my own thoughts, looking down and sighing shakily. From a distance, I heard quick footsteps—Annabeth. Great. I didn’t have to see her to know she was probably furious with me. Or worse, disappointed. Annabeth had become almost a mother figure to me, despite her only being a few years older than me, so disappointing her terrified me.

When she turned the corner and I saw the bewildered look on her face with strands of her hair flying freely around her head, I knew she was upset and disappointed. I sunk down further to the floor.

Nico stood up, walking over to her and stopping her before she could get to me. When the guards started to move towards me a whimper slipped past my lips, but Nico stopped them, too.

He talked to them in a hushed tone, moving his hands around like crazy. Annabeth glanced over his shoulder to look at me. She was frowning, but in her eyes, I could see the gleam of concern.

Annabeth shook her head, then started to talk back to Nico. His shoulders slumped down slightly, probably in defeat.

Annabeth made her way over to me. She kneeled and offered her hand so I could stand up.

“Again?” was all she said, in an annoyed tone.

I took her hand and stood up, mumbling a, “Sorry,” in reply.

I kept my head down, watching my feet drag across the hallway, as she led me to the room.

“I’m sorry, Percy,” She sighed before opening the door.

I hesitated for a moment, then I reluctantly entered the far-too-familiar room.

“You know the drill; In the morning, I’ll bring you breakfast through the smaller hole in the wall. Same for lunch and dinner, and,” she paused to look at her watch, “an hour after dinner I’ll be here to let you out.”

The last person I saw before the door closed was Nico, who seemed to be equal parts angry and sad. The door slammed shut, and I heard the clicking of locks. My steps were unsteady as I walked to the far corner of the room, sitting and pulling my knees to my chest. The 24 hours following would be the worst I had experienced in that room, but I didn’t know that then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, a warning. This chapter has some moderate descriptions of self harm/wounds/blood.  
> Second of all, I hope you all know the majority of this chapter physically pained me to write. I'm sorry in advance.  
> Third of all, I've been sick? (not the word I want to use but I basically was) so I haven't been feeling up to writing. Sorry it's been a few days since I updated, but I'm feeling better so I'll try to update two or three more times this week.  
> Fourth of all, next week I'm leaving again (sorry). I'll only be gone Monday through Friday, but I won't be able to take my computer with me again ._.  
> Anywayyyyssssss, I hope you guys don't die from this chapter? Here are some tissues if you need it.

**Hour One**

I sat with my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs as far into the corner as I could fit. My eyes hadn’t yet adjusted to the dim lights, so it was nearly impossible for me to make anything other than vague shapes out. There wasn’t much to see in the room, though; a bed was pushed against the wall across from me, and near the corner furthest from me was the outline of a large metal door. The door had a smaller opening within it, where someone would come by and bring me food for the next 24 hours. On the celling, in each corner, were small cameras from which someone could constantly be watching me. There were dim lights in the room, making it easy for people to sleep when they needed, or see when awake.

The silence in the room was unbearable, but I knew my own voice wouldn’t be enough to fill the void. Anywhere else in the facility, the low hums of machines could be heard, along with footsteps and voices. This room had been soundproofed, making it eerily silent. The longer I was in that room, the louder my breathing and heartbeat got in my ears. Soon enough, the buzzing in my head came back, too.

**Hour Two**

  Sometime ago I had brought my hands to my ears, pressing against them in some desperate hope to get the noises to stop. My heartbeat had grown louder and louder in my ears, making my breathing ragged and faint. On top of this, I _couldn’t_ get rid of the feeling that there was someone hiding _somewhere_ in the room with me. Or they were waiting at the door, just taunting me and judging me. It was so real that I could practically hear their breathing, too.

_Even if you weren’t in this room, they’d all still be judging you. Someone would still have something against you. You still would be crazy. Nothing has changed. You just can’t hide from this part of yourself anymore._

“Stop it…” I muttered, shaking my head.

_You’re crazy. And an idiot,_ my brain sing-songed.

I whimpered in reply, shaking my head over and over. To anyone else, I probably did look insane. But it was the only way I could keep my own head at bay.

                **Hour Five**

Time had already lost meaning to me; I felt like an eternity had passed. I needed to move. I needed to leave that spot. Someone else must have sat there at some point, and that thought made me want to cringe. They may have sobbed or screamed; they may have hated the world or themselves; they could have heard everything or nothing at all. The possibilities rang in my head, pounding against my skull. The bed was lumpy and old and I wasn’t tired, so I didn’t want to go there. Every other corner of the room was too close to the door. The center of the room would expose me entirely to the cameras, to whoever was watching me. I looked at the bed again. Under the bed was empty and hidden. How many people could have possibly hidden under the bed before?

I didn’t have to stand to know that my legs wouldn’t be able to hold my weight, so I got onto my hands and knees and I crawled. I inched towards the bed, then slid underneath it. I felt an immediate sense of relief to being under the bed, knowing they wouldn’t have the satisfaction of being able to see me anymore. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

                **Hour Seven**

_I was on a boat in the middle of the ocean. A breeze carried the salty sea spray throughout the clean air. The water was a deep, navy blue, with consistent and calm waves. I soon recognized the boat as one of my dad’s boats. The lack of fishing supplies is what threw me off the most about it. I turned around, walking cautiously around the area, and at the back of the boat I found my dad. He was turned towards the water, wearing one of his infamous Hawaiian-styled shirts, with bright colors and clashing patterns. Cautiously and quietly, I stepped towards him._

_“Dad?” I called, doubting that it was him._

_For the first few months after he left, I mistook multiple people for my dad, so I assumed it would be a comparable situation. What I didn’t expect, was for him to turn around and smile down at me like he did all those years ago. For a moment, I gained a sense of peace I didn’t know I had lost. Then, I remembered the years he had missed. Anger boiled inside of me and, like it was reflecting how I felt, the water became choppier._

_My dad’s smile disappeared._

_“You wonder why I left,” he scoffed, “but, you can barely put up with yourself. Your mom was so overwhelmed by your issues that she put you in a mental hospital. Do you really think I needed that sort of stress on top of running my business?”_

_His tone was worse than a thousand needles being pushed through every square inch of my skin._

_“I- I didn’t mean to… Y-you ruined mom! If you hate me so much, you c-could have hit me, o-or verbally abused me! You didn’t need to destroy her life, too! I’m obviously a fuck up, which means you’re the only good thing in her life! But now you’re God-knows-where probably pulling some other vulnerable, innocent girl along! Then you’ll leave her, too!” I screamed, clenching my fists together._

_He laughed evilly, “Percy, you and I both know that you don’t need me to abuse you. Just look at your arms, or your stomach and your legs. Think for a second, what kind of shit do you tell yourself every day? You abuse yourself. And leaving your mom makes you deal with the guilt of being a piece of shit. If I was still there, even if I hit you, you’d be content because Sally would be happy. And you and I both know, you don’t deserve to be happy.”_

_With each word, my dad grew taller and taller, until he towered over me. I felt like I was a toddler again, craning my neck to look up at him. The waves crashed against the sides of the boat, making it lean and tip on either side._

_“Just think about your pathetic situation with that boy, that intern. Oh, what’s his name? Nick?”_

_He seemed to be taunting me at this point, and as much as I didn’t want it to, his words were getting to me._

_“Nico. His name is Nico,” I seethed._

_“Ah, yes, Nico,” he smirked, “It’s pitiful, how you fawn over him like a schoolgirl. Do you really think he’d ever be_ like you _? Do you think he’d be some homosexual disappointment that’d be attracted to you? Do you think that he doesn’t come here in the morning already longing to go home and get away from you? Do you think any of them can stand you? You can’t even stand yourself!”_

_I couldn’t have been more than a mere inch tall compared to him. His every word stabbed through my chest and broke me down into tears._

I woke up with a start, shaking and hyperventilating. I felt like a weight was holding me down under the bed, so I was left as a helpless heap of tears. I wouldn’t be able to tell you just how long I was down there. Honestly, it wouldn’t have mattered if I was down there for 2 minutes or 20 hours, I still wouldn’t have stopped crying.

**Hour 12**

Every second that passed made me want to scream more and more. I could practically feel invisible hands pulling at me in the dark shadows. I urged my body to move, but still I couldn’t. The weight in my chest was heavy, pining me down to the floor. My own head taunted me, replaying images of my dad then of my mom. When she thought I was asleep or preoccupied, she would break down. I knew it was because she missed him. And I knew she had to miss him because of me.

_Stupid. Stupid, idiot boy. You cause your mom endless pain. You scared your dad off. Your friends don’t visit or send letters. You’re too weak to even move. Imagine if they all saw you now—_ I envisioned every person who I cared about standing around me, laughing. I saw Annabeth and Nico, snickering and talking about me. I saw Jason, Grover, and Rachel. They stood together, pointing and shouting names. I couldn’t hear them, but I imagined the same names people would call me at school. I saw my mom and my dad, standing farther off, holding hands and paying no attention to me at all. Years had shed off my mom, freed from the constant worry I caused. And I saw my dad looking down at her with the same look he had given her for twelve years – _Imagine if they saw you like this. They wouldn’t pity you like you pity yourself. They’d laugh. They’d be amused by your self-hatred. And you know why, don’t you?_

“T-They all h-hate me t-too…” I answered, the words sputtering from my lips like blood from an open wound.

“They all hate me…” I repeated in a broken whisper, squeezing my eyes shut.

Soon enough, though, the words were ripping through my lungs and I couldn’t stop them. I struggled to breathe in between sentences, but I didn’t care. The burning through my body from lack of oxygen was addicting. At any moment, I could have passed out. I was in complete control of myself, which was the only thing I wanted. All I wanted was to be in control of myself again, and hurting myself in any way possible was the only way I could feel that satisfaction.

I forced my mouth to shut when my voice was hoarse and quiet. Heavy, uneven breaths came and went and I could feel the pressure of oxygen coming into and leaving my chest. I still didn’t open my eyes. I didn’t want to see the closeness of the bed, or the shadows from the walls. I didn’t want to let my head play tricks on me from hours of practically no stimulation. I would much rather stay with no vision at all. So, I did. I kept my eyes closed, breathing heavily and shaking.

**Hour Thirteen**

I heard the quiet open and close of a small door, where my meals would be given. The thought of food made my stomach turn, and I couldn’t tell if it was because I was hungry or because I was repulsed. It may have been both.

Weakly, I pulled myself out from under the bed. By the door I saw a plate of food. The portions of food were small and there were no heavy foods to be seen. Alongside it, a tall glass of water with a blue straw. Somehow, I managed to make my way over to the food. I could tell now just what was on the plate, and it confused me.

Every morning, I chose the same things for breakfast and I always put them in the same order. The eggs were on the farthest corner of the plate, since I usually ate them only if I ended up being particularly hungry. There was a half piece of toast, with a small chunk of melting butter next to the eggs, but closer to the front of the plate. Then, closest to me, were two slices of crispy bacon. I refused to even grab bacon on mornings where the bacon wasn’t crispy, but whoever had gotten my food knew what I liked and what I didn’t.

I stared at it for another few minutes, perplexed, before beginning to eat. I started with the bacon, then ate about half of the toast. I wasn’t hungry. However, I downed the water within seconds.

_You’re dehydrated from the pathetic crying,_ I told myself.

I sighed and pushed the plate away. If my appetite hadn’t been gone before, the comment in my head pushed it away.

                **Hour Fifteen**

I was basically having a staring contest with one of the cameras. I was staring it down, hoping it would break so there’d be one less angle those stupid guards could look at me from.

_You could leave isolation any time you want, you know? You’ve done it once before. Sure, you were bed written for weeks and no one could let you out of their sight, but you were out of this hell hole. You’d get to talk to Jason, maybe see your mom. You’d get to see Nico; torture yourself with the sound of his voice and his caring eyes._

The reminder made me look over at the bed. They had replaced it with a new one after the first time I was in here, but I knew I could manage to do the same thing again on the bars underneath the mattress, or with the ends of screws that stuck out.

I thought back to the time that felt like years ago.

_I still hadn’t stopped crying, but I wasn’t sad. I was fuming with anger and I had nothing to hit but the walls or the stupid mattress. One of the posts was broken, probably by someone who had felt as angry as I did. The wooden post had a blunt edge that could easily hurt someone who wasn’t looking out for it. It took me another few hours for the thought to cross my mind. It took another few for me to work up the guts to do it. At that point, I was sitting on the bed, staring at the post and wondering what would be the best way to go about it. My right arm would probably hurt the most, since it was my dominant side. There were less scars, thus meaning it wasn’t as used to the feeling of being torn open. On the other hand, my left arm still had a dozen healing scars, which would most definitely sting like a bitch when they reopened. I would bleed more from my left arm, but I’d feel more pain and satisfaction from my right. Right side it is. I set my arm on the blunt edge, pressing my arm down to test it. The wood had splinters that already pierced my skin, but the pain was minimal. I wanted something much more painful. I wanted to release all my pent-up anger in the most satisfying way I knew. I pressed my arm down even harder, then dragged it slowly. It took a few times for it to break through enough skin, but eventually it was bleeding. The burning sensation pushed up my arm and through my entire right side. I felt myself wanting to faint from the pain alone. I smiled. The blood slowly dripped from the wound and down my arm. I used my hand to squeeze more blood out, and I felt dizzy. I was so caught up in my own pain that I didn’t realize someone had come in until they tore my hand away and pulled me to my feet._

The scar hadn’t had time to fade, so it was still ugly and a light pink. It ran across most of my forearm. I traced the scar with my finger, sighing shakily. I ached to feel that momentary relief more than anything. Something, though, held me back that didn’t hold me back before—No, not something. _Someone._ Dammit.

                **Hour Nineteen**

I had been brought lunch some time ago, but I still hadn’t touched it. I didn’t like how sloppily the food had been thrown onto the plate. I didn’t like how the person who had brought it seemed angry when they did so. Something about it was off and I was not, I repeat NOT, going to go anywhere near it. So, I didn’t. I just sat there, staring at it blankly. My mind was empty and my body felt exhausted. The buzzing in my ears droned the rest of existence away from me. The countless emotions that fought within my chest were slowly tearing me apart. The one that hurt the most was the stupid place I had for Nico. It was hollow, empty because I knew nothing would ever come of it. Nothing but pain, that is. My vision blurred, but it wasn’t until something wet dropped against my arm that I realized I was crying. I didn’t fight the feeling of my empty heart. I let it tear me up into a million pieces. I let it consume me until I couldn’t cry anymore.

                **Hour Twenty-Four**

Dinner was brought about a half hour ago, so I knew I didn’t have much more time in here. I didn’t know what to think of it, though. I had gone numb sometime after crying, so I just sat in the middle of the room. My body was shaking lightly and couldn’t stop it. I wasn’t sure why. I couldn’t find the energy to care, though.

I wanted to eat the food on my plate, but my muscles felt like jelly and I had no will to even try to move. I stared at it longingly, specifically the mashed potatoes that were only offered once a week. I didn’t want to miss out on mashed potatoes, but, like I said earlier, I couldn’t move. My head throbbed from the frequent crying I had done in the past 24 hours. My sleeves were still pushed up to reveal every gnarly scar that I had put there. My hair was probably a mess, since I usually pulled it while I was crying.

The one feeling that managed to arouse itself within me was a want. I wanted my mom. I wanted her to walk into the room and hug me. I wanted to melt into her arms and apologize to her a million times over about dad and about me. I wanted her to pet my hair and hum songs that we used to listen to in our apartment in New York. I wanted to be three feet tall again so she could pull me into her lap and rock me comfortingly. I wanted to smell the sweet, lingering smell of candy that she had so many years ago. She used to work in a candy shop and would always smell of the sweets she sold.

 I wanted Dad too, as much as I hated him. I wanted to have him sit me on his leg and wipe tears from my face. I wanted him to come home and apologize for missing so much of my life and promising he’ll make up for it. I want my dad, who always smells like the ocean—but not dead fish, like a good ocean smell–and wears stupid Hawaiian styled shirts. I wanted my dad, who was always the man I looked up to because of how strong, yet loving he was.

 I wanted my parents, who loved each other endlessly and deserved a son much better than me, but treated me like I was royalty. I wanted my tiny apartment with my small family. I wanted game nights and take out. I wanted arguments over my homework. I wanted my old life back. I wanted to feel safe and at home again.

My heart ached again, and I started crying yet again.

I couldn’t have been crying for more than 15 minutes when I heard the clicking of the door being unlocked. I looked to it, and standing in the doorway was Nico. His face contorted to one full of such sadness and pain, I almost felt bad for being such a mess.

“Oh, Percy,” he sighed while walking over to me.

He helped me to my feet and walked me back to my room, all the while I was still whimpering and crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. It's been awhile. After days of writer's block I started writing and I got about halfway through this chapter. Then I took a four hour nap. Oops. But I finished it and it's here. Enjoy, it's bittersweet.

I was sitting on my bed, shoulders shaking as I continued to blubber quietly. I watched as Nico picked out clean pajamas and my toiletries from my drawers. He was grumbling to himself about something, and part of me knew he wasn’t mad at me or my behavior. He walked back over to me and set the stuff down next to me. Nico had a soft, sympathetic look on his face and he sighed.

“Let’s get you a shower, yeah? Then you can go to bed, or if you need to talk we can do that,” He hummed calmly, holding his hand out for me to use to stand.

I took his hand and stood up. My balance was shaky, which Nico must have noticed. He moved his hand around my arm, letting me use him as support.

After grabbing what he had put on the bed, he walked me towards the bathrooms.

“I’m going to go get Jason while you’re in the shower, okay? I’ll be back in 10 minutes,” he said, desperately trying to find my gaze and reassure me that somehow everything would end up alright.

I nodded slowly, not being able to force out a simple “okay.”

I took a cold shower. The icy water washed over my skin, stinging in differently than hot water. I shivered, but refused to change the setting even slightly. The cold pelts of water made me think of the cold ocean or snow in the winter. I let it remind me of everything I was missing, while simultaneously hoping to feel something. Still, I felt nothing.

Some minutes later, I had managed to put on my pajamas and was now silently waiting for Nico to come back. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I cringed. My wet hair was flat against my forehead. My eyes were puffy and irritated, my nose was red, and my cheeks were flushed. I looked like a mess. I tore my eyes away from the mirror and stared down at the tile floor. I let myself sink down to the ground, the cold tile pressing through my clothes. A shaky sigh left my lips. The feeling of the tile was reassuring in a way. Since I had cried last, I was struck with a somewhat familiar feeling. Really, I didn’t even know if I could call it a _feeling_. It was more of a state of being, I guess. It stuck out to me mainly because I most vividly remember being in this state in the days prior to my suicide attempts. It was a state where everything, my thoughts and feelings, basically stopped. Something in me switched onto autopilot and I basically became an empty shell of a person. As far as the world was concerned, Percy Jackson was already gone. I couldn’t muster it up in me to give a damn about anything or anyone.

“Percy?” A voice, Nico, asked, “What are you doing sitting on the floor? C’mon, let’s get you to bed.”

He helped me to my feet and I followed him mindlessly through the halls and to my room. I could see Jason was already lying in bed and he waved at me. I didn’t mean to ignore him or seem like I was, I just didn’t see a point in waving back. So, I didn’t. I set the things in my hands down, then crawled into my bed. I laid still under the covers, silently wishing that the warmth would suffocate me. I heard Nico’s footsteps getting further away, followed by the closing of a door. Eventually, sleep overtook me.

_I was back in New York. The sound gave it away before anything else. I was on the fire escape of my old apartment. Except, I wasn’t me. I was there, crying on the metal ground. But, I was also staring at myself from across the street. I tried to ignore the confusion that started to fill my thoughts, focusing back on the figure across the street. I remembered the moment I was witnessing. I had come home from school after getting in an argument with a teacher, then with Rachel. Rachel even thought I had been overreacting and called me a series of names as the argument got more heated. It ended when I threw my skateboard. It wasn’t at her, I swear it wasn’t, but it just barely missed hitting her before slamming into the ground and cracking._

_“You’re fucking insane,” was the last thing she spat out before sauntering off. Of course, Grover followed behind her with Juniper’s hand in his._

_The stares of those who had witnessed burned into my skin and I remembered it so vividly I could practically hear their whispers. I had run off, sprinting through the crowded sidewalks until I got to my apartment. I was still livid, so I had gone to the fire escape for air. Until that moment, I hadn’t realized how high eight stories was. I sat down, staring through the holes in the metal, panting. After all the anger and betrayal left my system, I recognized the hurt I had been feeling throughout our argument. Rachel, despite what I may tell everyone, was one of my closest—no, one of my only friends. I relied on her for so much and for her to say the things she said… It made me think everyone else might have been right. She was smart and recycled words that other bullies and random students had used on me before. She used them because she knew they would sting. She called me a no-good idiot, she brought up my dyslexia and ADHD, which made every aspect of school so much harder, and she brought up my dad. She had hit every target that had already been hit a million other times, but she managed to actually break me with them._

_The height was starting to scare me. Well, more what kind of things I was thinking due to it. So, I crawled back into the apartment through the window. The apartment was a mess, reflecting my mom’s state of being since my dad left just over two years ago. I grimaced, then walked into my bedroom. I found my iPod and my earbuds, then let myself drown in the sound of my music, like all angsty fifteen-year-olds did._

_I had been listening to music for hours and after a few songs, I had become numb. I just laid, staring up at the celling. Without much thought at all, I got up and started looking for something. I wasn’t sure what I needed so bad until I had found it. Because of my angsty fuck-the-rules attitude, I had a stupid collection of knives and blades. I found one that my dad got me a long time ago and, staring at it, I felt nothing when he crossed my mind. I took the knife in my hand and walked into the bathroom. The sound of the front door unlocking didn’t process in my head, but now that I was seeing from a distance, I noticed the sound. I didn’t want to be reminded of what happened in that bathroom. I didn’t want to remember how mindlessly I started to carve into my skin or how I bit back screams from the pain. I didn’t want to relive the thud of my head against the tile, which caused my mom, who had been in a decent mood (Nice going, Percy), to open the door and see me in a pool of my own blood. Mostly, I didn’t want to remember the feeling of not caring if I lived or died. I didn’t want to remember the lack of emotion I felt for the entire situation. Still, it all unfolded in front of my eyes._

I awoke with a start, but quickly held back the scream that wanted to leave my mouth. I was sticky with a layer of sweat and my breathing was uneven. I looked over to Jason, who was sleeping peacefully. I envied him for that. Almost any night I slept, I was hit with nightmares and horrible memories. Sure, Jason had his fair share as well, but he was able to sleep normally at least three times a week. I, on the other hand, was lucky if I slept normally at all.

The warmth of the blanket was beginning to feel overwhelming and constricting. I tried not to be too frantic as I kicked the covers off and moved to the cool floors of the room. I laid there, trying to control my breathing. I felt like I almost wasn’t breathing at all, that the oxygen I wanted to inhale was being stolen from me so I felt breathless and helpless. I didn’t move the rest of the night, even after my nerves had calmed down and my breathing evened out.

“—Percy? What are you doing on the floor?” Nico asked, voice still slightly groggy.

Something in me didn’t want to talk, so I didn’t. I just shrugged, sitting up.

He woke Jason than kneeled in front of me.

“Are you going to talk today? Don’t feel like you need to, I just want to know,” he asked in a soft voice.

I shook my head, sighing softly.  He stood up again and leant his hand out for me to grab, eyes still looking at me sympathetically. I took his hand and stood up. Jason gave me a knowing smile as he cleaned his glasses with the ends of his shirt. When Nico was turned away, I stuck my tongue out at him. I proceeded with my morning like it was any other day; I put on a pair of clean clothes, fixed my ever-so-messy hair, brushed my teeth, and then went to the cafeteria for breakfast. The entire walk, Jason went on about some—as he put it– “absolutely, super-duper wild dream.”

Even though I was still in a less than good mood, hearing Jason talk so enthusiastically, hands waving and all, about his dream made me smile. Of course, once we reached the table of friends (Could I call them that? I guess they’re more like mentally unstable buddies? I don’t know, never mind) Jason restarted the entire story. Everyone smiled and reacted to the story. Even Cecil, who’s eyes looked more empty and sad than usual, had it in him to give Jason his full attention. Jason soaked up all of the attention and his mood improved before my eyes. I decided in that moment that, yeah, they were all friends. We all looked out for each other, as irritating as we could get at times, and built each other up because we knew they wouldn’t be able to do it on their own. I wasn’t even the one they were helping, but I felt my mood start to improve as well. Jason finished his story and we all fell into a comfortable silence while we ate.

Randomly, Lou stated, “I got 4 hours of sleep. It’s the most sleep I’ve gotten all month.”

Clarisse gave her a playful punch to the arm and said some stupid congratulation on her sleep improvement. Eventually, everyone (except for me because of the whole not talking thing I was doing at the time) had shared some minor thing they were happy or excited about. Will had gotten another medicine-related book from his mom, probably the tenth he’d received since arriving some nine months ago. Clarisse started a self-defense class, explaining with the most excitement I had ever seen her have (It still wasn’t a lot), about the logistics of using your elbow to break someone’s ribs if they had you in a hold from behind. Cecil, unenthusiastically, mentioned something about going on medications to help his depression. There were some glances at me and I shifted uncomfortably. Jason, thank God he was such a good person, saved me.

“Percy is still recovering from yesterday and doesn’t feel like talking. But, it’s okay! Our nurse and her intern have been helping Percy a lot.”

I gave a weak smile and a nod. Breakfast finished soon after, and then I was with Nico and my therapist.

It was less than helpful for them that I wasn’t talking.

“Percy,” Dr. Favonius sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, “I can only help as much as you are willing to let me. So could you please give me something, anything.”

I reached for a piece of the paper that was sprawled across his desk and a pen. I hesitated, then scribbled a sentence onto the page.

_I thought about trying to kill myself again in isolation._

My handwriting was sloppy and hard to read, this I had been made aware of by every teacher I ever had. So, I hoped he and Nico wouldn’t be able to read the sentence.

Dr. Favonius’s following question told me that he read it perfectly, “What lead you to think of that?”

I looked at Nico, who was frowning. Once he noticed my glance, he gave me a reassuring nod. I inhaled deeply and allowed myself to speak, though my entire body felt against it.

“I-I had this dream about my dad…” I started.

My voice was hoarse from the screaming and crying, so I spoke in a voice just above a whisper.

“He left when I was young a-and I’ve always blamed myself…for some reason. I grew to hate him over the years. He broke my mom in ways I didn’t think she could be broken. He abandoned me without even a goodbye. He left no reason, no explanation… He was just gone. Still, I find myself hoping that he’ll show up one day and…and I don’t know, be my dad again. I-In the dream he insulted me… told me that he didn’t ever want me. That it was my fault…”

They both sat with the information. I, in the meanwhile, was gripping the arms of my chair so tight that I started to lose feeling in my fingers.

“How was life with your dad when you were younger?” Dr. Favonius asked.

Instinctively, I lashed out in response, “Does it matter? Even if it did, why would I tell you?”

Instead of becoming aggravated with me, he changed the question to a less invasive one, “What role did he play in your life?”

“He was my dad? What do you mean by that?” I asked, still defensive.

“Did you look up to him? Did you and your mom rely on him a lot? What was his impact on the dynamic of how your life worked?”

I answered the questions as he asked them, “Yes. Yes. He helped me when school got hard and reassured me that I was smart in ways no school would be able to understand. He was like this endless supply of love and compassion. I don’t think I ever saw him and my mom fight. He was always there for her and for me. Until he just- Until he wasn’t.”

My voice wavered at the end and I looked down.

The sound of Dr. Favonius’ pen was the only noise in the otherwise silent room.

“Did anything else happen that caused your suicidal thoughts?” He asked.

“I just… I thought about how I made everyone’s lives so much harder. How I constantly caused people to worry or have to go out of their way to try and help me. I thought about how it would be easier for everyone if I was gone. I thought maybe my mom would get him back if he didn’t have to worry about me..” I explained in a quiet voice.

“What made you choose against it?” He asked.

I knew what I should have said. I knew that I should have said something about knowing it wasn’t the right thing or that it wouldn’t solve any of my problems. I didn’t.

“Because I had done the same thing before. I knew I would get caught,” The words spilled out of my mouth.

Dr. Favonius nodded, added a few things to his notes, then looked up at me. I looked back at him with a neutral expression, reminding myself that he was doing his best to help me, not interrogate me.

“How would you say you’re feeling now, regarding your thoughts?” he asked.

From my peripheral vision, I saw Nico seem to lean towards me as if he was eager to hear my response.

I shrugged, nonchalant about my answer, “Like I always do, I guess. I wouldn’t _mind_ if I died, but I don’t necessarily go out of my way _to_ die.”

The therapy session went on for a while longer, and I had my moments where I’d shut down and feel threatened. For a good part of the session, though, I allowed Dr. Favonius to ask me questions and I let myself answer them to whatever extent I felt comfortable.

 I still had the same weird feeling settled in my stomach, which threw off my mood. I didn’t mention that or the buzzing to my head to either Dr. Favonius or Nico. Before we left, I told Nico I still didn’t feel like talking outside of therapy. He was okay with it, but it was hard to look past the worry in his face.

We found Jason, then head back to our rooms for our lessons. Annabeth was in the room, who took over for Nico until dinner, insisting he took a well-deserved break. I was surprised when he glanced at me to be sure I was okay with it. Part of me wanted him to stay, to just exist around me. I could see the dark circles under his eyes and I had noticed his yawning. I knew he was exhausted, so I knew he needed the break. I gave a small nod. He agreed, then said goodbye to Jason and me. I sat next to Annabeth with my piles of work I needed to catch up on. I already felt my heart sink, but she gave me a reassuring smile.

“You’ve got this, Percy. Athena and I are here to help you. Jason is here to help you, though I’m sure he’s just as confused as you are,” She joked, making me crack a smile.

For the next few hours, I got through as many worksheets as possible. By lunch my head was spinning, words and numbers floating around my head. I felt a little disappointed, since I had only got through half of what I was supposed to. Annabeth took Jason and I to lunch. Will greeted us with a smile, then stuck his nose back into the book he had just gotten. I felt oddly comfortable with them in the dynamic we’d fallen into. I was feeling a thousand times better than I had that morning, the lingering feeling in my chest slowly disappearing. I didn’t recognize it then, but in that moment, I felt something I hadn’t genuinely felt in a long time. For the first time in a long time, I felt genuinely happy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited


	14. Author's Note

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so basically my writing skills decided to jump in a ditch and die

Hey.... Um, so I'm not dead. Yay? I just have severe writer's block. I've been rewriting the 14th chapter over and over, but nothing is satisfying what I need this chapter to be. I hate filler chapters so that's why I haven't just written something mediocre and put it out there. This is sorta a transition chapter from one thing to another (trying not to give anything away) and finding a natural way for said thing to progress is very hard, but I promise I'm working on it. I hope to be able to work this and get a chapter out within the next week or so. But, I've started school, so my updates are going to be less frequent anyways. I just felt really bad about being silent for almost a month.

Literally as I'm writing this, I'm texting one of my writer friends to try and come up with the plotline for the next chapter.

I'm sorry and I hope you all understand!xx 


	15. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooooooo  
> It's been quite a while. And to be honest I don't have a set place for this story to end but I do have a few ideas, and some may be longer than others. Would any of you be opposed to a second book (fanfiction/story/part??? what would you call it??) As of now I'm going to be updating as I please, just so I hopefully don't wear myself out like last time.  
> On that note, though, I hope you enjoy the chapter! If you notice any errors please let me know, as I am a bit rusty with my writing.

“I heard them talking… they might want to try letting me go home for a while… to see how I cope,” Jason spoke slowly, fear laced in his voice.  
I would be lying if I said I felt nothing when he said that. Jason had become one of my best friends, and the thought of him being gone made my stomach tie into knots.  
“That’s cool,” I forced out with fake excitement.  
“I guess,” Jason sighed, “I just haven’t seen Thalia much… my dad doesn’t talk about her. I-I don’t know if I can go back to a broken home.”  
I put my hand on his shoulder, “You’re going to be fine, Jason. You’ve got your mom watching over you. And I’m sure your dad and sister will be thrilled to see you. It’ll mean that you’re healing and getting better. Who wouldn’t be happy for that?”  
Jason smiled shyly, nodding, “Y-Yeah…yeah, you’re right.”  
I smiled through the wrenching feeling in my heart. I was going to lose my best friend, which only reminded me of Nico eventually leaving as well. That thought made the smile leave my face.  
“Are you alright?” Jason asked.  
“I…I’m alright. I just… I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that you and Nico will be leaving…” I sighed, running a hand through my hair.  
“I know how you feel,” Jason stated, “It’s kind of like you feel fine right now, but you are painfully aware of these places in your heart that have been filled by people who won’t always be there. Those spots won’t always be full. And they always end up being the big places, so when they’re gone everything collapses. You know it’s going to happen, but you don’t know how to deal with it.”  
I nodded, realizing Jason felt like that every second of every day. I was used to feeling the exact opposite; I felt that letting people in would only cause destruction. Somehow, Jason and Nico made their way into my heart and became major support to me. Without them, Jason was right, everything would collapse and there was nothing I could do about it.  
“There are things you can do, though,” Jason promised, “but you need to talk to your therapist and figure out what works for you.”  
I was only slightly sick of hearing that phrase. I was seriously trying a hard as I possibly could to open up and feel comfortable, and I guess I did a good job at doing so. I still snapped easily and became overly defensive.  
“I know, I know,” I sighed in response.  
Jason’s glasses were glared with the bright morning sun, making his golden complexion even brighter. We were outside, since it was the weekend. Nico was off in the distance, letting the two of us have privacy and a sense of independence. It was slightly refreshing.  
“You keep looking at him,” Jason pointed out.  
“I don’t!” I argued.  
Laughing, he nodded, “Yes, Percy, you are. And if you’re going to continue, be less obvious about it.”  
I grumbled, feeling my cheeks heat up. I looked down at the table, tracing over the designs in the metal.  
“He’s looking at you too, you know,” Jason teased, but I could tell he was serious.  
Even if he hadn’t told me, I could feel Nico’s gaze lingering on me. It was equally embarrassing and satisfying.  
“Stop,” I murmured, “He’s leaving…I can’t let myself get any more attached to him.”  
“Percy,” Jason pointed out, “You’re already attached to him. And I’m almost positive he likes you too. So, just enjoy it while you can, I guess. That’s a thing I’m trying to work on. Even though I know something might be temporary, that doesn’t mean I can’t let myself enjoy it and all of its temporary-ness.”  
I shook my head and looked up at Jason. I could see in his eyes that he wanted me to be happy. He knew without me ever having to tell him that Nico would make me happy. Like, really happy. But, I doubted that Nico would ever feel anything for me, let alone be willing to put up with me and all of my issues 24/7.  
“This is Nico we’re talking about. Nico who’s seen me in my worst state. Nico who knows that I can barely trust anyone. Nico who is well aware of the fact that I can’t handle my own feelings. Any chance that I may have ever had with him was totally blown when he showed up as Annabeth’s intern. He won’t ever be able to see past the horrible, broken parts of me. That’s the way it is and I have to be okay with it,” I told him.  
Jason glanced over in Nico’s direction sighed. He pushed his glasses up and stood up from the chair.  
“Where are you going?” I asked him.  
He pointed to Will, who was sitting in the shade with a book in his hands. It was the newest book he had gotten, and he would probably reread it until he had it memorized word for word. Or, until he was given a new one.  
“I’m going to make sure he’s doing alright. See how his treatment is going, y’know, stuff like that.”  
Jason gave me a small wave before walking off in the same direction Will was in.  
For a few minutes, I was alone. The sounds of children laughter, the rustling of leaves, and the hum of the air conditioning units swirled around me. The sound wasn’t overwhelming, it was soothing. Outside, I felt like I was a part of the rest of the world again. I didn’t feel like a psychopath; I just felt like a normal teenager. I closed my eyes, imagining I was sitting on a park bench with Grover. Before Juniper and Rachel. I imagined a younger version of us, probably 8th grade, without a care in the world. A smile grew on my face.  
I didn’t know this at the time, but Nico had silently made his way over to the chair Jason had been sitting in.  
“What’s making you smile like that?” Nico’s voice called from across the table.  
I cursed under my breath as I jumped, opening my eyes to see Nico.  
He quickly apologized, “Oh God, I’m sorry. I thought you heard me coming…”  
He rubbed the back of his neck, his cheeks pink—probably from the heat. I had relaxed after realizing it was only Nico.  
“It’s fine, I was totally in my head. I was just thinking about New York again…” I answered, smiling lightly at him.  
He nodded, smiling awkwardly at me. I watched as his eyes darted around, looking at me for a few seconds then down at the table. I wasn’t sure why he seemed so on edge, but I couldn’t help but think it was cute.  
On the table, a box full of different games, puzzles, and cards sat in the corner. I looked through it and pulled out a large puzzle. I set it down between us and looked up at him.  
“Do you want to help me do this puzzle? I’m not too good at mind games like these, with my dyslexia and all, but I figure it’d be easier with someone else to do it with?” I asked.  
I watched as a sort of brightness came over him and he smiled, “I’d like that. My parents bought me a lot of puzzles for me when I was younger.”  
Immediately, I pictured a younger Nico sitting crisscross in the middle of a messy bedroom floor, leaning over hundreds of puzzle pieces.  
I forced myself to cease the thought. I opened the box, then dumped the pieces on the table.  
“So… where do we start?” I asked, staring at the pieces like I was trying to decipher a foreign language.  
Nico laughed lightly, “See those?”—He pointed out a few pieces– “They have similar colors, meaning they have to be part of the same thing. Sort them out like that.”  
I nodded and followed his example. For a few minutes, we worked in silence. I didn’t mind, since it let me slip into my own thoughts. Eventually, though, something urged me to speak. While in my thoughts, I realized that, though it seemed Nico was younger than me, I never learned his age or even what grade he was in.  
“So,” I started, glancing over at Nico, who was entirely focused on fitting the pieces he had together, “What grade are you in?”  
Mindlessly, he replied, “I’m going to be a Junior.”  
He hadn’t looked up from the table yet.  
“Nico?” I asked.  
His head popped up, a confused look on his face. His expression softened after a few moments.  
“I’ve been so…content lately. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle… not without… I mean I can barely…”  
I spoke at a million words a second, since the knowledge that a breakdown was looming over me, waiting to happen surged anxiety into my bloodstream.  
His hand reached over and rested on mine, sending shocks up my arm and leaving my hand tingling. He sighed and looked up at me with big, concerned eyes.  
“You can handle it. I know you can. You’re strong, very strong. And if you can’t, someone will be there to help you back up.”  
I grasped onto the reassurance, nodding frantically, “Right, right, right… I- I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m going to be fine.”  
I guess what he didn’t understand was that I wanted, maybe even needed, that someone to be him. I swallowed hard and looked back down at the puzzle. Nico had started to piece it together and had already completed a corner. I started to help as best as I could, focusing mostly on the colors rather than the shapes to hopefully keep me from getting too confused. Our hands would brush against each other occasionally, sending electricity up my arm and leaving my hand feeling warm and tingly.  
Nico paused abruptly, causing me to look up at him. I found his gaze, as he was looking at me.  
“Is something wrong?” I asked.  
“No,” Nico replied, shaking his head, “Nothing is wrong. I just. I don’t want you to think that when I leave after summer that I’m abandoning you. Because I’m not. If it was up to me, I would…” he paused, “I don’t know if I would ever leave. So, I guess what I’m saying is even when I’m not here, I’m still rooting for you.”  
I didn’t know how to respond. I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that he cared about me that much. I thanked him quietly.  
We went back to silently working on the puzzle. Nico was still doing the vast majority of the puzzle, even though he was obviously forcing himself to work at a slower pace. The puzzle was completed in around 15 or 20 minutes. The once scrambled jumble of broken parts was now a clear and breathtaking image of some random waterfall from some serene getaway. I glanced to see Nico smiling down at the puzzle, who seemed to enjoy the small achievement. I chose to look down at the puzzle and convince myself the warmness in my chest was due to the puzzle and not the boy sitting across from me.  
“I want to go to the willow tree. Just for a bit, before we go in for lunch,” I stated after a few seconds.  
Nico nodded and started to break the puzzle back into a distorted array of odd shapes. As I went to help him clean up, he stopped me.  
“You go ahead to the tree, I’ve got the mess,” His voice was tender, matching the soft smile he gave me after speaking.  
I couldn’t help but nod in agreement, allowing myself to get up and walk away from him, towards the garden where the tree was located. I climbed up the familiar base, to a branch slightly higher than the one I usually sat on. The leaves were still due to the lack of a breeze, but the view was peaceful, nonetheless. I leaned back against the base of the tree and tilted my head up, staring at the fragments of the sky that peaked through the drooping leaves. I pondered more on the idea of Jason and Nico leaving. I thought about how I would get a new roommate, which could change the way my day goes entirely. I thought of Annabeth taking over all of Nico slots throughout the day and how my little rituals with him, like the willow tree, would be gone forever. I thought about how this little pocket of happiness in my life would seal off, and then just drift further and further away, until I was back in the same place I had been in when I first got here. I thought about how angry, sad, and alone I was and how it was easier for me to not talk at all than deal with growing attached to people. I was starting to remember the appeal in it.  
These prospects made my chest feel tight and my throat dry. I didn’t want to think about it or the inevitability of it all, but it refused to leave my mind. I gripped the tree branch under me and took a few shaky breaths. I heard Nico approaching as I tried to regain my composure. By the time he had made his way up to me, I had steadied my breathing and had gained at least some control over my thoughts and feelings.  
“What’s the matter?” Nico asked after he had gotten comfortable on the branch and glanced at me.  
“Nothing,” I lied.  
“You can talk to me, you know.”  
“Except I can’t,” I snapped, “I can’t because your leaving and Jason might be leaving too and the world as I know it is going to cease to exist right when I think that I’ve got it all figured out and under control. I can’t keep letting myself get more and more comfortable and used to you because then, when you’re gone, I’m not gonna know how to go on and what do I do then? Plummet back down into the deepest part of my depression? Watch the world become meaningless to me? Get angry and violent towards everyone because I’m so unprepared to have my whole life uprooted and walk away right in front of my eyes?”  
Nico was surprised by my outburst, floundering for something to say, trying to find some bullshit response to make me feel okay or convince me that I would make it through.  
“Exactly,” I said, “You don’t have anything to say because you know. You know that you and him are one of the very few things that exist in my world and that you leaving, at almost the same fucking time might I add, will ruin me in ways that I haven’t already been ruined. all before I’ve even got the chance to fix myself in the first place.”  
I sat, fuming with anger and anxiety and fear, while Nico seemed to be at a loss for words. Eventually, he rested his hand on mine. And, as much as I hate to admit it, it pacified my feelings and I liked the feeling of his hand on mine. So, I let it stay there, and we sat in silence until lunch. In that time, instead of wondering about what my empty life without him, my mind drifted into the idea of a full life with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unedited

**Author's Note:**

> Unedited


End file.
